


A Desire for More

by StarsLikeVenus



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Choking, Dom/sub, Dominant Kylo Ren, Eventual Smut, F/M, Female Protagonist, Fluff and Smut, Force Choking (Star Wars), Kylo Ren Has Issues, Maybe some kinky stuff at some point, Oral Sex, Plot, Probably some sex thrown in there, Rough Sex, someone help idk how to write about sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:54:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 30
Words: 35,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23688772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarsLikeVenus/pseuds/StarsLikeVenus
Summary: *completed!You have recently discovered your Force sensitivity.  Fearing that the Resistance would seek out your power first, the First Order takes you and forces you to train as Commander Kylo Ren's student.  You find yourself struggling greatly with your role in The First Order and emotionally feel drawn to the Resistance.*TAKES PLACE BEFORE THE FORCE AWAKENS-the events in this story are leading up to the plot of TFA (Kylo doesn't even know about Rey yet, lol)* -story ends right before TFA
Relationships: Kylo Ren x female character
Kudos: 5





	1. Unavoidable

You froze at the sound of a shuttle landing outside your home, your family standing around you. You turned quickly to look at your parents, seeing a look of fear in their eyes. Ever since the first time you felt the power of the Force, they knew this day would come.

It happened when you saw your brother in danger: he was almost captured by some creature who wanted to sell him as a slave, thirsting for more money and power. You screamed in terror and before you could understand what was happening, the creature was pinned to the ground in an invisible grip, squealing and struggling against the dirt, choking against your hand. And before you could process your feelings, you repeatedly struck the creature with your heavy staff, killing it so it could never harm your brother again.

Now they had come; you thought they might sense your power, as did your parents, and you were all right.  _ Damn it, we were right. _

You heard heavy footsteps thundering down a metal ramp and crossing the ground to your home, feet making slight sloshing sounds in the wet earth. Of course the Commander,  _ Kylo Ren _ , was the one who had to attend to this mission.

Before you had the chance to do anything, he pushed his way in, his massive figure towering in the doorway.

"There's no reason to try and hide it. I can sense the power within you." The sound of his modified voice sent shudders through your body and made your knees tremble, a fear you didn't know was possible rose inside you.

"Y-yes Commander, I thought you might come."

"So you must realize what I'm here for," he took a step closer but you held your ground, wanting more than anything to hide behind your parents, but knowing what would happen if you did.

"Yes. And, if I were to choose not to leave, what would happen?" Your lips trembled as you crossed your arms in an attempt to look menacing.

"If you were so unwise as to refuse to come with me," he stretched out his hand and lightly took hold of your chin, forcing you to look up into his blank mask. "Your family would be killed, and you would be taken as a prisoner of The First Order."

Your father stepped towards the Commander and held his arm out in front of you, knocking Ren's hand from your face, emotion visible in his shaking voice.

"You can't take her from us. Her powers would be harmless to you, she's unsure of how to use them and has  _ no _ desire to!"

Commander Ren stood towering over your father, "Ah, but you're wrong. I sense longing in her,  _ a desire for more _ ...more power, more strength..." 

Your father placed a hand on your shoulder and tried to look you in the eyes, but you looked away from him. 

"I'm sure you all know that even together, you would be powerless against me."

You nodded, looking behind Kylo Ren to see a cluster of Storm Troopers, waiting for an order. 

"I will go with you," you stepped towards him, pushing your father behind you. "But you mustn't hurt my family. If you touch even one hair on their heads, it will be the end of you."

You tried again to appear menacing, but the top of your head barely reached the top of his chest, making you look like a small child in comparison. 

A small crackle came from Ren's mask as he snorted. "Train with me, and you might gain that power." His deep, grumbling voice again filled the room.

Nodding at you, he turned and walked out the doorway, leaving you alone with your family.

You turned to look at them, tears filling your eyes when you saw the terror in theirs.

"I have to leave. I couldn't live with myself if something happened to you."

"But you know what these people do," a tear slipped from your mother's eye while your father stood beside her silently. "You know  _ who  _ they're fighting and what they're fighting for." 

You took a deep breath and pulled your mother into a hug before pulling away to look her in the eyes. 

"But if it will keep you safe," you looked down at your brother who was tightly holding your arm. "I will do anything." 

You ruffled your brother's hair and pulled away from your mom to hug your dad. 

"Don't lose yourself," he stared desperately at you, telling you with his eyes that he thought that the Commander was right. And you felt your heart break, because even you knew that some of what he said was true: you  _ did _ want more than the life you were living. 

"I love you," you whispered before turning to see Commander Ren in the doorway again, seeming to flinch when he heard your words.

Sighing and wiping tears from your eyes, you followed his billowing cloak out of your house. 

You desperately looked around you, trying to commit your family farm to memory, trying to hold on to the life you had. As boring as it was, it was  _ home _ .

You glanced back one last time, feeling everything you've ever known and loved slip out of your reach.


	2. He Might Have Some Anger Issues

Storm Troopers led you into the shuttle, leaving you at the back of the ship and disappearing to the front. You backed up against the wall, the cool metal stinging your bare shoulders slightly. Having never left your home planet, you had no clue what to expect from space travel and no clothing appropriate for the change in temperature.

You glanced around the shuttle, so far back that the lighting was dim and you could barely see the outline of the pilots sitting at the front of the ship.

You fell to the floor as the shuttle jolted into the air and the sudden change in movement pinned you against the wall. Once in the air, you slumped lower on the floor, deciding to stay put instead of standing.

Having nothing better to do, you began to comprehend what you were getting yourself into; really you realized that you  _ didn't _ know what you're getting yourself into. You had just given up your life to the First Order, basically pledging yourself to be Kylo Ren's fucking  _ student _ .

The only thing you had experience with was working on your family's farm and you weren't sure those skills would transfer over to whatever the hell you were going to be doing. And you knew what the First Order was notorious for, you knew what they were capable of and what their mission was.

Your mind began to race as you subconsciously began to think of ways you could escape and go into hiding with your family. While you were panicking, you heard the sound of the Commander walking to the back of the ship, causing your anxiety to increase.

All of a sudden, you felt pressure at your throat, crushing your windpipe. Your body slowly rose into the air, still pressed against the cool metal walls of the ship, until you were face to face with Kylo Ren, your eyes meeting the blank stare of his mask.

"I sense anxiety in you, regret, fear,"

"No shit," you spat at him, struggling against the pressure at your throat, surprised by what you just said. He tightened his Force grip and took a step closer, his body inches away from yours.

"Watch your mouth," he growled quietly, tilting his head slightly toward your face.

You pursed your lips, choosing to hold back the string of insults waiting on the tip of your tongue, itching to lash out.

"The Force is strong with you," he released his grip on your throat, but continued to pin you against the wall, your toes just barely brushing the ground. "Tell me about the first time you felt it."

The memory flickered in the back of your mind, but you chose not to repeat it and stayed silent, staring at the ground.

"I see. If you refuse to tell me, then I will have to retrieve the memory myself,"

Again, you declined from speaking, trying to look anywhere but at the Commander. Pressure suddenly filled your head, even stronger than the crushing strength you had felt at your throat. The pain took over all your other senses, causing you to cry out.

Flashes of the attack on your brother were in the front of your mind, it was as if you were experiencing and reacting all over again. You felt the intense anger you had that day, the power you felt when you saw the creature writhing and screaming in the dirt, the  _ satisfaction _ of striking the creature until it was dead...

Just as suddenly as the pain came, it disappeared, leaving you panting and sweaty on the floor. Kylo Ren towered over you, his mask staring blankly down at your face.

"It seems your anger was your source for power," dread filled you, realizing how horrible that made you sound and you cursed yourself for your own memories betraying you.

"Your anger will serve the First Order well, it will be a base for your power."

He stepped even closer and you felt your breath hitch in your throat. He forced you into a standing position, pushing you even harder against the wall.

"By the time we're finished with you, you will be just as merciless as the rest of us. You will leave your morals behind, you will leave your entire  _ existence _ behind."

"No," you whispered, tears stinging the corners of your eyes. "I will never be like you, I'm only doing this to protect my family."

"We'll see," his modulated voice crackled dangerously.

" _ Fuck you, _ " you stared directly into his mask, trying to show your defiance.

He stepped forward once again, his body directly against yours, making it impossible to move. His hand came to your throat and slowly slid up your neck to your chin, holding your face firmly in his leather covered fingers.

"Watch your mouth," his voice was barely audible. "I will  _ not _ warn you again."

He released his hold on you and stalked away, back to the front of the ship. You flinched as you brushed your fingers over your chin, already feeling a bruise forming on your face.

Sliding to the ground again, you dragged your knees to your chest and rested your head on them, your body shaking even more than it had before.


	3. A Room Full of Murderers

The shuttle landed with a jolt, causing you to lurch forward slightly. Storm Troopers hastened to open the door to the shuttle and leave the ship, seeming to forget you in the back.

Just when you thought you were alone, Kylo Ren again stomped to the back of the ship and took hold of your arm, forcing you to stumble after him.

"You don't have to  _ drag _ me," you tried to wrench your hand from his, but he tightened his grip, his leather fingers digging into your wrists.

Choosing not to fight this battle, you stopped trying to pull away and quickened your pace to keep up with him, hoping that he heard you grumbling swear words in defiance.

A pale man with ginger hair and a pinched face was waiting on the landing platform and walked alongside the Commander; you had heard about General Hux from some of the travelers that occasionally came to your home planet and decided he was someone you shouldn't make small talk with.

You struggled to keep up with the two men and their long legs, leaving you to stumble slightly behind them, your wrist still held firmly by Ren. You looked around as you walked but only saw metal walls, blinking control panels, and closed doors.  _ No way to escape and nothing interesting to look at. _

At the end of a dark corridor stood a couple of 'troopers, guarding the door they were in front of. They stepped aside as you approached and opened the door to the room.

General Hux was the first to march in and the Commander gestured for you to follow him. You finally ripped your hand from his grasp and glared at him before stepping hesitantly into the room.

The room was huge with dark walls and red lighting and at the far side, there was a towering throne. Perched upon it was a pale, disfigured looking creature who smirked as you approached.

"Supreme Leader," both Commander Ren and General Hux made a slight bow as a sign of respect for the alien on the throne while you stood a few feet behind them with your arms crossed as you glared at Snoke, trying to ignore your shaking knees.

"I see your mission was successful," the Supreme Leader shifted in his seat and stared past the two men and directly at you; your heart rate increased dramatically and you looked away, noticing both Hux and Ren watching you.

"Step forward, young one," you slowly walked past the Commander and stood as close as you dared to the massive throne. You glared into Snoke's marred face which was contorted into a smile.

"I can sense intense power in you, it's even stronger than we thought."

Heat crept to your face and you looked away from him.

"Tell me, what do you know about the Force?"

"Nothing," you glanced back at the Commander who still showed no sign of emotion because of the mask. "I just know it's stronger in some people than others and you can use it to make people do whatever you want."

Snoke cackled and shook his head, mocking your knowledge.

"Naive girl, the Force is so much more than that."

You glared back at him again, knowing that if you weren't so terrified, you would try to kill him right then and there.

"If you want to keep yourself and your family alive, you must  _ prove _ yourself."

You looked back at Ren, hoping to see some nod of encouragement or some sign of what Snoke meant, but of course, nothing.

"Take Ren's weapon, and kill that traitor, prove that you have what it takes. If you want to keep your family alive,  _ you will do it _ ."

For the first time, you noticed a battered looking man, held in place by Storm Troopers in a corner of the room. You recognized his uniform and realized he was a pilot for the First Order.

When you looked back at the Commander again, he was holding out his lightsaber, its huge hilt looking small in his hands. You slowly walked back towards Ren and took the saber, your hands barely wrapping the whole way around its hilt.

Taking one last glance at Snoke, you made your way towards the man in the corner, hating yourself for what you were about to do.

The Storm Troopers released him as you approached but the man didn't move. He glanced up at you and you stopped a few feet away from him, shocked by his bloodied face.

"You don't have to do this," he whispered, his eyes pleading with you.

Your heart sank as you looked at him. "I have too, they'll kill me and my family and-"

"They caught me trying to help members of the Resistance escape." He cut you off quickly, trying to convince you. "These people," he looked past you at Snoke, Ren, and Hux. "They're monsters. If you give your life to them, you're leaving all your morals behind, you're giving up  _ everything _ you believe in."

Tears slipped out of your eyes for what felt like the hundredth time. Every feature of the man's face, his desperate eyes and pleading smile, was burned into your mind as you shut your eyes

"I'm so sorry," you whispered and turned your head away from the man as you ignited the lightsaber. You squeezed your eyes shut even tighter just as the weapon found its target, and you held in a sob when you heard him gasp and crumple to the floor.

You turned back to look at the men in the middle of the room, stumbling away from the body, the tears in your eyes making your vision blurry. Kylo Ren slowly approached you and took the lightsaber from your hand.

"Good girl," he murmured softly before walking back towards Snoke.

"So...you do have what it takes," Snoke smiled crookedly at you and you looked away, the body of the man you just killed visible in the corner of your eye.

"You will be called by a new name, something to remind you of your heartless deed..."

"She will be called Slona," the Commander stepped forward and stood next to you. Your heart dropped to your stomach when you heard the name, knowing where the word came from.

"Ah, 'cold' in the Sith language. Yes, that name will suit you well, it will serve as a reminder of your cold heart."

Your face fell and you chose to ignore Ren looking at you, afraid of what you might say.

"You will train with Ren and learn to control your powers. You will serve the First Order and in return, no harm will befall your family."

Kylo's hand snaked up your arm, holding your elbow tightly as a warning:  _ "Don't you dare do anything." _

You wrenched your arm from his grasp and your eyes shot daggers at him, silently  _ daring  _ him to grab you again.

"General Hux, take the girl back to the shuttle, I have business to attend to with Ren."

You glared at Snoke one last time and followed Hux out of the room, trying to ignore the sound of the pilot's voice, echoing over and over again in your mind.


	4. Angry (but Aroused)

General Hux led you back to the shuttle you arrived on before stopping at the edge of its ramp.

"I'm sure you have realized by now," 

Hux spoke to you in a low voice, as if he didn't want to be overheard. 

"That the Commander is someone you don't want to make an enemy of. If you want to keep yourself alive, you need to watch what you say."

"Trust me, I know. I've already had a taste of his bad temper."

Hux raised an eyebrow at you, but didn't ask any questions.

"Make sure to remember your place. The Commander doesn't deal with insubordination gently." With that, Hux walked away, leaving you alone at the mouth of the shuttle.

You decided to board the ship and wait for Commander Ren there and once you were alone with your thoughts, the severity of the deed you just committed nauseated you. The pilot's face, his words, the sound of his voice, were stuck in your head as you desperately tried to wipe him from your mind.

_ What if he's right? How can I support the First Order when I know what they're doing? _

You pushed your thoughts about how evil you were to the back of your mind as two pilots boarded the ship, shortly followed by the Commander. You tried to control your fear and nausea, knowing that Ren would do  _ something _ if he sensed it.

Having learned from your mistakes last time, you sat in a seat as far from the Commander and the pilots as you could find. This time when the shuttle took off, you didn't end up on the floor which you saw as your only achievement for the day.

You weren't sure how much time had passed when the shuttle again landed. Your eyes widened in surprise when you looked to the front of the ship and saw that you were on a snowy planet with an extensive forest.

"You will stay here on Starkiller Base for your training," the Commander walked towards where you were sitting and gestured for you to follow him down the ramp of the shuttle. You scrambled out of your seat and hurried to keep up with him.  _ Jeez, his legs are long. _

Kylo Ren led you down long corridors, similar to the ones leading to Snoke's throne room. Some of the rooms you walked past had open doors and you stole a glance at the people inside.

Rooms were filled with engineers, working on their latest assignments and pilots waiting for their next mission. Everyone looked up when they heard the Commander's loud steps, but quickly looked away when they saw who it was. Some people stared curiously at you but others didn't give you a second glance.

Commander Ren stopped outside of a room which seemed to be in a secluded part of the base. He opened the door and stepped aside, allowing you to enter the room. You took in your surroundings, feeling less than impressed, though you weren't sure exactly what you were expecting.

The room was small with an uncomfortable-looking bed shoved in the corner. A small desk and wardrobe were along the left wall, and a bathroom sat in another corner of the room.

"Clothing and food will be sent to you here," Ren had followed you into the room and you shuffled away from him, realizing nervously that this was the first time you had been in a room alone with him.

"I will retrieve you at 0600 tomorrow to begin your training."

You groaned when you noticed the clock on the desk, realizing that you were going to get less than five hours of sleep.

"What was that?" Ren's voice crackled dangerously and he stepped forward, making you take another step back.

"N-nothing," you stuttered quickly, remembering what happened the last time you mouthed off.

"You've been quiet since we left the throne room, little Slona." His head tilted, taking you in. "I see you've started to learn how to close off your mind to me."

You shuddered in response, this was the first time he had addressed you by your new name. He stepped forward again and you backed up until your ass hit the wall.  _ Damn it. _

"I uh, don't really have anything to say," you muttered nervously, hoping he wasn't trying to read your mind at the moment.

"I think otherwise," he placed his left hand on the wall next to your head, his mask inches from your face. "I'm sure you have a list of insults, just waiting to slip out." He put his other gloved hand on the wall by the other side of your head.  _ No way out. _

"You think I'm stupid enough to do that again?" You swallowed against the lump in your throat, surprised you could even speak at all.

"If I made you angry enough," he leaned even closer, just a few inches of space was between your two bodies.

A primal part of you wished he would just touch you already, press his body into yours, wrap his leather digits in your hair... You quickly pushed those thoughts out of your mind. You heard a crackle in his mask as if he was holding in a laugh.  _ Shit, I think he heard me. _

"I think at some point, you'll give in to your anger. I think, tell me if I'm wrong, part of you likes the pain."

You chewed your lip and stared into the slit where his eyes would be.

"You want to be punished, little one."

Your breath hitched and you shook your head, saying nothing. He finally closed the space between your bodies, pressing himself fully against you into the wall. Instead of trying to push him off, you shifted your body slightly, trying to be closer to him, craving more of his touch. The heat coming off from him was stifling and you swore, even underneath all of his layers, you could feel his erection, pressing into your hip.

You gasped and you could hear him chuckling inside his mask. He lingered a second longer before stepping away and you breathed out sharply

"0600 tomorrow," he said and then left without another word, leaving you alone against the wall.

You walked over to your bed, sank onto it, and put your head in your hands.

"Holy  _ shit _ ," you whispered to yourself, confused by all of the emotions and feelings running through your body.

Never in a million years had you expected something like  _ that _ to happen. Why were you feeling, well, somewhat attracted to a man who literally just tore you away from your family? Why were you craving the touch of a man who was really a monster?

Minutes later, the door to your room slid open, revealing a service droid holding a bundle of black clothing and a tray of food. The droid left everything on the desk and tottered away without saying a word. You pressed the button to close your door which the droid left opened and wandered over to the desk.

Every article of clothing in the pile was black and plain, but the fabric was surprisingly soft and stretchy. You grabbed a pair of short bottoms, barely longer than a pair of your panties, and a long sleeved top before going to the small bathroom to take a shower.

You glanced at the clock on your desk as you slid into bed, pulling the sheets up to your nose. _ Great, now I'm at four hours of sleep. _ You let out a sigh and rolled over, burying yourself in the thin blankets.

Once again, memories of the pilot flooded your mind and you could picture what your family would think if they knew what you had done. You shuddered against the bed, feeling disgusted with yourself and dreading the nightmares that you knew were awaiting you.


	5. The Provided Clothing Might be an Issue

"Ugh,"

You looked in the bathroom mirror and distastefully examined yourself. Your eyes were dark and puffy from the lack of sleep and disturbingly vivid nightmares. Additionally, your short, tight clothing left you feeling naked, barely covering your curves.

You slid a poncho like piece of clothing over your head and fastened a belt around your waist, making you look slightly less like a blob of fabric while successfully covering more of your skin. You looked out of the bathroom door and at the clock on your desk.  _ Fifteen minutes. _

The same droid from the night before left a tray of food on your desk again and you ate it absentmindedly while you secured your hair at the nape of your neck, images of your family drifting in and out of your mind. As the time drew closer to 0600, you began to fidget nervously, worried about having to interact with the Commander again.

Just as you considered running out of the room and hiding somewhere, the door slid open and Kylo Ren's enormous figure appeared outside. He said nothing when you stood up and he turned and walked down the hallway.

You walked quickly behind him and tried to remember all the turns you were taking.  _ Why does he always have to walk so damn fast? _ You pinched yourself, but if the Commander heard you, he didn't show any signs of it.

He opened a door to a room on your right and stood to the side, waiting for you to walk in first. You rolled your eyes in response, realizing that him opening doors for you was the only nice thing he's ever done.

The room was much larger than your quarters and was almost empty except for a line of weapons mounted on the far wall. On your left there was a mirror from floor to ceiling, covering the entirety of that wall.

"This is where you will be training," Ren stood near the closed door, watching you take in your surroundings.

He walked toward the wall of weapons and removed something with a metal hilt, a lightsaber which looked much smaller than the one you used yesterday. You grimaced at the memory; it had already haunted your dreams the night before.

"This saber was designed for a body a similar size to yours. It's small and lightweight, but it wields just as much power as any other lightsaber." He handed it to you and you took it gingerly.

The weapon's hilt was slender and light, but was solid and fit easily in your hand. You ignited the saber and its red blade came to life, sparks flickering in the air.

You hurriedly turned it off and looked up at Commander Ren. He had turned away and you watched him curiously, noticing something different about him. He turned around suddenly and you gasped. For the first time since you encountered him, he had removed his mask. You gazed in shock at his face and felt your mouth drop open.

His eyes were dark brown and they stared intensely into yours, analyzing you. You realized your mouth was hanging open and shut it quickly. He walked slowly towards you, his full lips formed into a smirk and his long nose wrinkled slightly. His dark hair was like a halo of soft waves around his face and you found yourself imagining what it would feel like to run your fingers through it...

His eyes narrowed dangerously.  _ Shit, he definitely heard that. _

"We will start your training using these,"

You finally tore your eyes away from his face and looked at the two metal staffs he was holding. He took the saber from your hand and replaced it with one of the staffs. He put your lightsaber back with the other weapons before turning back to you.

"Today is your first lesson in combat." He gestured for you to make the first move and you stared at him with uncertainty, still distracted by his face.

You took the metal staff and went to strike at him, but he blocked it with his own. Again, you tried to hit him and he stopped you, this time striking back and you struggled to block the blow.

"Weak," he shook his head in dismay and you felt anger bubbling inside you.

"What the fuck do you expect from someone who has no clue what they're doing?" You spat before striking him again, much harder this time.

"There's that mouth again," he smirked and blocked you effortlessly.

You grit your teeth and attacked him again, not even throwing him slightly off guard. He struck at you and you jumped backwards when you failed to block his blow, the metal staff colliding with your face. You stumbled, grabbing your jaw; he had somehow managed to hit you in the same place he bruised yesterday.

"Shit," you muttered under your breath.

Ren stood a few feet away from you, still smirking. You went at him with more strength, this time forcing him to step back slightly.

You struck again and again but never once hit him. Panting, sweating, and feeling way too hot, you quickly unfastened your belt and threw the black cloak over your head and to the side, leaving you in your long sleeved shirt and short bottoms. You went after him again and heard the sound of metal smacking his face.

You dropped your weapon in surprise and before you had the chance to do anything else, the Commander had you pinned against the wall. You gasped and grabbed at your throat, trying to remove his invisible grip. He trudged forward and stood inches away from you. You found yourself wondering why you kept ending up in this position.

"You thought you could use your body as a distraction?" Ren growled angrily into your ear, his gloved hand now around your neck.

"I, I-what?" You sputtered against his fingers, confused by what he meant. He nodded toward the black robe on the floor and raked your exposed skin with his eyes, his expression hungry.

"Don't act like you don't know what you're doing," his hand released your neck but stayed close. 

He slowly slid his hands down your body, caressing your curves before taking hold of your ass, your bottom barely covered by the shorts. You gasped as his fingers dug into your flesh and he took a step even closer, his body again completely against yours.

His hair tickled your face and his lips gently grazed your ear, sending shivers through you.

"The things I could do to this little body," his voice was deep and husky and your body longed for more of his touch. Again, his erection pressed into your hip and you moaned softly as he ground against you.

"What I don't understand is why a stupid little  _ farm girl _ like you," his lips suckled at the skin on your neck as he continued to grind against you. "Is able to make me like this."

You finally came to your senses as his hand began to slide underneath your shirt, instantly trying to ignore your arousal. Your hands pushed on his chest, lips shaped into a snarl.

"You think you fucking  _ deserve _ this after what you've done to me?"

He pulled away just as suddenly as he had the night before, leaving your body cold and aching for him. His eyes continued to wander over your body, angry sparks seeming to radiate off him as he made his way to his helmet on the ground.

"You will report here at 0600 tomorrow morning," you nodded at him, breathing heavily and feeling shocked by the sudden lack of contact. You watched him replace his mask and walk toward the door.

"I suggest," he turned towards you as he stood by the open door. "That you get more sleep tonight," you stared daggers at him as you put back on the black robe and fastened the belt. "And that you wear more clothing." Your mouth dropped open indignantly but before you could say anything, Ren disappeared.

You pressed your palms into your eyes, sighing before you picked up the two metal staffs and placed them with the other weapons. You glanced around the room and saw your reflection in the long mirror: your skin was still shiny with sweat and your cheeks were red with an embarrassed glow.

As you turned to leave the room, you took in a deep breath.  _ I can't let that happen again. _


	6. He's Not the Only One with Anger Issues

After almost two weeks of training, your body was covered in bruises and you were beyond exhausted. Besides waking up in the early hours of the morning, nightmares about your family and the murder you committed haunted every one of your dreams. You spent most nights staring at your ceiling, terrified of the tortuous dreams that were always waiting in sleep.

Despite how hard you were working, you felt you were hardly improving and you could sense frustration in the Commander. Your one achievement was successfully avoiding being pinned by Ren against a wall, something you were both proud of and, for some stupid reason, somewhat disappointed by.

You left your quarters earlier than normal and went to the training room, hoping to get in some extra practice without the Commander's scrutiny.

Not long afterward, Ren stalked into the room and removed his mask, as he had done for the past two weeks. Though you were sure you had memorized his face by now, you were still shocked every time you saw him.

Since your last  _ intimate _ experience with Ren, you had been able to hold in your hatred towards him, choosing to release your anger through your combat training. Despite this, you still had to resist the urge to slice him open with his own lightsaber every time he walked into the room.

"Put that away," he muttered at you.

You frowned and looked at him curiously, but decided not to ask questions as you placed the staff back in its spot on the wall.

"Sit down on the floor and close your eyes."

This certainly wasn't the strangest thing he's had you do, but you still felt exposed as you crossed your legs and shut your eyes.

You heard his footsteps draw nearer and his cloak brushed your arm. Your eyes shot open and glanced up at him, fighting the urge to scoot away from him, but his glare made you shut them again.

"I want you to tell me what you're sensing, what you're feeling. Reach outside of just this room and outside of yourself."

You screwed up your face and thought hard about what you were supposed to be doing, but the only thing you were noticing was how cold the stone floor was and how close Ren was standing to you.

"Relax," his hand crossed one of your shoulders to the other and he pulled the unfastened cloak over your head. You shuddered slightly when his bare fingers touched your skin, realizing he had taken off his gloves. You released a deep breath and tried to calm your racing mind.

"I sense... emotions, feelings... determination, exhaustion, confusion."

"Good," he said softly. "What else do you feel? What can you see?"

You relaxed even further and images of different things came into your mind, places you knew and places you had never been to.

"I can see Starkiller Base. I see..." You didn't recognize the place. "I'm not sure where they are, but I see members of the Resistance. I-" your breathing stopped and you were overwhelmed with emotion.

"What is it?" He stepped closer, standing directly behind you.

"It's, uhm, it's my family," you whispered softly. You opened your eyes as you felt his body tense behind you.

"So I thought. They've been in your dreams."

You nodded slightly and squeezed your eyes shut, trying to prevent tears from falling from them. 

"I've told you to let them go, they will only serve as a distraction to you."

"I could sense how they were feeling,"

Ren walked around to face you and looked down at your face. He raised an eyebrow, prompting you further and you looked away.

"They, they um, weren't sad," you glanced up at him again but he had turned away, his back to you. "They had no memory of me." You stood up and walked toward the Commander, slowly confirming your fears.

"You wiped me from their memory. You," anger bubbled in your stomach. "Gods, you made them think I never fucking existed."

Ren turned to face you, his expression angry. "It's easier this way I-"

"Don't you fucking  _ dare _ say that this is easier!" you screamed at him and stood inches from his face. "You took me from them and left me with my memories, left me with the pain of leaving them." You tried to smack him but he caught your wrist with his ungloved hand.

"I tried to take the memory from you too, but your mind is too strong. Your own power blocked me."

" _ Don't touch me! _ " You wrenched your wrist from his hand and stepped away.

"Your love for them is  _ weakness _ . If you hold on," he reached out for you again but you kept backing away, moving slowly to the door. "This weakness will be your downfall."

"Fuck you, I can sense weakness in you too." He narrowed his eyes at you but you kept going.

"You're afraid of something, there's something you have to do but you don't know if you can do it."

"That's enough," he growled, his face growing red.

"You're afraid of failure, afraid of power in other people."

"I said enough." He started walking towards you.

"You hate what you are being called to do. You hate what you've left behind. You're full of so much anger that-"

Your sentence was cut off by his hand on your throat, but powered by your anger, you stretched out your hand and threw Ren against the wall at the opposite end of the room. His body slammed into the weapons mounted on the wall, the weight of his body knocking them down and around his body.

_ Fuck _ .


	7. Some Fun Punishment

You fled the training room before the Commander got up and locked yourself in your quarters. You sat on your bed in the corner, trying to calm your breathing. Just as you thought about going back to check on him, the door to your room opened, revealing Kylo. You jumped up and hesitantly walked towards him.

"Commander, I-" he extended his hand and shoved you back onto the bed, your head hitting the wall and his grip on your neck. 

Keeping his hold on you, he stormed across the room. You gasped against his grip as he drew nearer, noticing a cut across his forehead and lip. Small trickles of blood streamed down his face and as he wiped it, he smeared blood across his lips.  _ Holy shit, did I cause that? _

"Yes," his voice was deadly quiet but he lightly released his hold on your neck.

"Commander, I'm, I'm so sorry," you stared into his eyes, hoping to see some mercy or understanding, but they were dark. 

"Silence," his hand wrapped around your neck and he pulled you off the bed and to your feet. You choked against his hand and he smirked at you, his eyes blazing with excitement. 

"I think this is what you wanted all along. You would have controlled your temper if you didn't want to be punished."

You shook your head at him, ignoring the arousal rising inside of you, desperately trying to push it away.

"It was a mistake, it won't happen again."

He stood directly against your body, the back of your knees against the bed. 

"I'll make sure of it." He took your chin in his hand and crushed your mouth with his.

Your lips parted in surprise and you could taste the blood on his mouth. He took advantage of your shock and used his tongue to open your mouth further. His tongue swirled around yours and he put his hand on the small of your back, pushing you even closer to him. 

You took in a sharp breath when he pulled away from you. He took a step back and pulled you away from the bed slightly. His eyes stared at you hungrily and you could sense a primal longing radiating off of him.

"Strip,"he said softly. 

You looked at him in surprise.

"What?" 

"I want you to strip and I suggest you do it. The alternative is  _ far _ less pleasant."

You looked at him again and realized he wasn't kidding. Crossing your arms, you stared at him, your lingering anger making you brave, but your stupid desire for him that you  _ shouldn't _ have took over. You cocked an eyebrow at him and smirked as his face contorted with irritation. 

_ "Make me," _

A snarl came from him as he grabbed you by the front of your shirt and yanked you towards him. 

"I warned you."

You gasped as he slapped you across the face and you barely had time to recover before he began to tug your shirt over your head. Each article of clothing was removed aggressively, leaving you no time to think. He unclasped your bra before shoving you onto the bed to rip off your shorts and panties. 

He pulled you into a seated position with your back against the wall and crushed your chin with his fingers. 

"This is what you wanted, isn't it, little bitch?" He yanked his cowl over his head giving you a chance to respond. 

"Isn't this what  _ you _ wanted, Commander?" Your heart was beating quickly, shocked by your nerve. "Is this how you deal with people who  _ disobey _ you? With people who dare to question you?"

He grabbed you by the neck and pulled you off the bed to face him, his eyes seeming to stare straight into your soul. 

"You want a distraction,  _ don't you? _ "

You choked against his hand. 

"From what you've fucking done to me? Yeah, maybe I do." 

He let go of your throat and shoved you onto the bed before climbing on top of you, his knees straddling your waist. 

"Maybe you should be reminded of what I've done for you," one of his hands had snaked its way around your neck again while the other trailed down your stomach. "Of what I can do  _ to _ you." 

"Fuck you!" you reached up to smack his face but he pinned your wrists above your head. 

"Then that's what I'll do." 

Despite your anger, arousal was growing inside you, making you struggle to hide it. He leaned forward to plant harsh kisses down your neck, putting more of his weight on you. 

You cried in surprise when he suddenly pulled your skin between his teeth, threatening to break it. He moved further down your body and took one of your nipples into his mouth while he kneaded your other breast with his fingers. You moaned as he pulled your nipple lightly between his teeth. 

He smirked against your skin. 

"Wouldn't think a  _ monster _ like me could do this to you, would you?" His fingers inched their way down your stomach, making your cunt clench in anticipation. "You think you deserve this after what you've done?" One finger slipped against your folds and you bit your lip. 

"After what  _ I've _ done?" You panted, trying to ignore the voice in the back of your mind that was begging him to keep going. "You're the one who's fucking ruined my life. You- oh  _ fuck _ ,"

His middle and index fingers pressed against your clit and started rubbing in slow circles. Your eyes rolled back in your head in bliss, almost forgetting what you were upset about. 

"What was that, little one?" He continued to kiss and suck at your skin as he assaulted your clit, sending waves of pleasure coursing through your body. A long, aching moan escaped your mouth as he increased the pressure. 

"Hm, that's what I thought."

Your back arched from the bed as you grew closer to orgasam, your body tingling, buzzing, waiting to reach the peak. Right as you were about to go over the edge, he pulled his fingers away. 

"Fuck you!"

He smirked at you and drew his fingers to his mouth, sucking his fingers clean. 

"You don't deserve it," 

Your hand shakily unfurled from the sheets and reached up to strike him again, but he caught your wrist in his huge hand before trailing your hand down his clothed stomach and down below his belt. Your mouth dropped slightly as you felt his erection beneath your fingers and he raised an eyebrow. 

"You want this?"

You nodded at him begrudgingly, refusing to meet his eyes. He tsked at you and leaned forward, grabbing your chin, forcing your eyes to meet his. 

"You'll have to beg for it."

You snorted. "You think I'd give you the satisfaction?" You wrenched your hand away from him and your fingers balled into fists around the sheets. "Don't kid yourself, I know you want this as much as I do." 

Your head pressed into the pillow sharply as he slapped you across the face again. You watched him with slightly blurry vision as he tossed his belt to the side and loosened his pants, letting his dick spring free.

He leered at you as your eyes widened at his size, your walls clenching, aching for him to be inside of you. In a swift movement, he took hold of your hips and flipped you onto your stomach. You grunted at the sudden change of position, but to your own surprise, you moaned when you felt the sting of his hand on your ass. 

"Little  _ slut _ ," he took hold of your hips again and helped you to your hands and knees, your back arched, waiting for what would come next. "This will give you something better to think about." 

You cried out as he plunged into you without warning, causing you to lurch forward. Your body rocked forward with each of his thrusts, your face being pushed further into the bed. 

"You won't- _ fuck _ , you won't be able to think about your pathetic family."

You cried out again as his thrusts grew deeper. 

"Fuck...you." You managed to squeak out in between each thrust. 

His fingers dug into your hips hard enough to leave bruises as his pace increased. Your clit was in desperate need of stimulation, but you weren't going to give him the satisfaction of begging.

He pounded harder into you and you felt drops of sweat dripping from his face and onto your skin. Your mind was screaming at you, begging for some release, when you felt one of his hands release your hip and slip between your legs. You wailed at first contact, feeling grateful for his one sign of mercy. You quickly approached your peak as if you never left, your body overwhelmed from his touch and feeling him deep inside of you. 

A soft scream escaped your lips as you came, your body still rocking from Kylo's relentless thrusting. Your body shook at the intensity of the orgasm, barely even noticing his unintelligible swears as he finished. 

You collapsed as he pulled out of you and climbed off the bed, feeling his seed leaking out of you and onto your thighs. 

"Maybe now you'll listen to orders," 

Your eyes followed him as he made himself decent and pulled back on his robe, running his fingers through his sweaty hair before looking back at you. 

"I didn't fucking forget," you dragged yourself to a seated position, wincing as you sat up. 

He smirked at you and headed towards the door.

"See to it that you do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, forgive me for my sins.


	8. He's Not the Best at Comforting

You woke up later that night completely drenched in sweat, having been woken from your nightmare by your own screams. You curled your legs up towards your chest, ignoring the pain in-between them, and rested your head on your knees, trying to calm your breathing.

All at once, everything that had happened to you since you left home hit you; leaving your family and finding out they don't even remember you, murdering a man you didn't even know, and sleeping with the Commander.  _ Oh my gods, sleeping with the Commander. _

You began sobbing uncontrollably, entirely overwhelmed by every emotion you felt. Sadness, regret, fear, disgust... All the emotions you held back during the day, every mistake you made came over you as you cried.

You couldn't believe that your family, the only people you've ever loved, no longer knew who you were and couldn't return the love you had for them. You couldn't believe that you let yourself kill a man, someone who was trying to help others, someone you didn't even know, someone who  _ begged _ at your feet for his life.

And finally, you couldn't believe that you let the, well,  _ activities _ , from earlier that night actually happen. The disgust you felt for yourself was overwhelming; how could you have let a man who was supposed to be your teacher do that? No, not even  _ let _ him do that, but pretty much  _ begged _ him too. A wave of shame came over you and you felt worthless, like you were a child and what happened was a punishment for a temper tantrum. And what was worse, that's exactly what it was.

How could you have thought that sleeping with the man who had ruined your life would help you forget? How the hell were you supposed to just move on? Forget your family? Give in to the darkness and despair? Pretend that sleeping with him the night before never happened?

By the time your sobs had stopped and you felt completely drained, it was a nearly 0500. You stuffed all of your feelings to the best of your ability into the back of your mind and stiffly climbed out of bed to get dressed.

Though you shouldn't have been surprised, you stared in shock at your reflection in the mirror. Your neck, chest, and hips were covered in bruises and the shape of teeth was embedded in your shoulder. You quickly pulled on a pair of pants and a shirt, trying to ignore your overwhelming embarrassment and shame.

Moments later, the service droid arrived and, as usual, left a tray of food on your desk. You ignored it and decided that mushy food would only make you feel worse, if possible.

You left your room silently, tying your hair back as you walked. When you arrived in the training room, you expected to see weapons all over the ground and drops of blood, but the room was just as clean as it usually was. You walked towards the wall, examining the rows of weapons, seeing that everything was in place, but now angled in hopes of preventing another accident.

After realizing that someone must have cleaned up and having nothing else to do, you sat on the cool stone floor with your hands resting on your knees. Your fingers subconsciously picked at your cuticles, a habit your body picked up on its own in hopes of releasing stress.

You sat in silence with your eyes shut, trying to ignore all of the thoughts trying to escape from the back of your mind and just simply forget and let go. No matter how hard you tried to push them away, images of your family filled your mind and your happiest memories with them took over all other emotions; it was as if you were experiencing them all over again. You could see your brother's smiling face, hear your mother's laugh, and feel your father's warm embrace.

You shuddered at the realistic memories, but they slipped away from you and your mind became dark, taking you to an intangible place, filling you with intense fear. Images of the pilot's face swam before you, his pleading eyes just as vibrant as they had been that day, as if you could reach out and touch him. You saw yourself whispering something to him and watched as you killed him, like it was someone else, as if you were watching from someone else's body.

You woke from this dream-like state when the door slid open. You quickly wiped tears from your eyes as Kylo Ren approached and you clambered to your feet, ignoring the shooting pain between your legs and avoiding eye contact with him.

"Commander," you nodded and turned away as he removed his mask.

"Slona," his voice was soft, different from his usual thunderous, commanding voice. "Take a seat".

You gingerly sat back on the floor, trying not to show the pain the hard floor caused. Anger began to rise inside of you as your mind drifted to what had happened the day before when you sat in front of him.

"I sense tremendous torment in you."

You said nothing and looked at the floor, hoping he wouldn't press the issue or point out your puffy eyes.

"You've had dreams, haven't you?"

"Yes sir," you gritted your teeth and continued to stare at the floor, listening to his footsteps as he walked in front of you.

"You have to let go, little one." His voice was barely more than a whisper and he knelt to the floor in front of you.

The softness of his tone surprised you; you had been expecting the rough, angry voice you heard the day before.

"Your pain, it's so strong that I have felt it almost as intensely as you have."

He knelt a little less than a foot away from you and you stared at his knees, tears filling your eyes yet again. Your fury slowly morphed into misery, your mind softening in response to his subdued voice.

"Where you are now, you can't go back from it, you must realize that. You can't go back to where you were before."

"Of course not," you muttered bitterly and sniffed. "We both know what would happen if I left."

"It's more than that now," he reached out a gloved hand and rested it on your knee. You flinched under his touch. "As much as you hate to admit it, deep down, you desire more than the life you had."

"No," you jumped to your feet and backed away from him. "I was  _ happy _ where I was, I loved the life I had."

"Yes, but despite it all, you felt alone, misunderstood," he slowly rose to his feet but didn't step any closer.

You said nothing, because honestly, he was right. Though your family was loving, you could always sense fear deep down inside of them, you could feel that they were afraid of what you were capable of. So even though you had them, you felt alone, powerless, left to deal with your abilities and confused thoughts on your own.

You glanced up at him but looked away quickly; you hated how he understood how you felt before you even did.

"But to force me to leave, to take me from my family with no other choice... Why, why did you have to do that?" You stepped toward him, your eyes pleading with his, searching for comfort beneath his cold, aggressive exterior.

"If your power fell to the wrong hands, you would be a threat to the First Order."

"You don't know that. I could've stayed with my family, the Resistance may not have even tried to find me."

"That was a risk we weren't willing to take."

"You mean the Supreme Leader," you noticed his body tense. "He was concerned."

Ren said nothing and continued to look at you.

"Hell, maybe it  _ would _ have been better if they had found me, maybe I'm on the wrong side."

His hands curled into fists and his brow furrowed.

"They're weak," he started walking towards you slowly but you stood your ground. "They're not going to win this fight, you wouldn't have been able to help them, you-"

Without thinking, you raised a finger to his lips, silently begging him to stop. His eyes widened when you touched him, his lips parting in surprise. Your finger dropped to his chest before falling to your side. You stared at him astonished, shocked that he hadn't pushed you away. Tears welled in your eyes again and a tear slipped down your cheek as you looked at him.

"You could have left me there, you could've told the Supreme Leader that you were unable to find me. You could've-"

"Slona," his voice raised slightly and you looked down at the floor. "What's done is done, you know you can't go back now. Everything that's happened, it can't be erased."

Your body flinched when he lifted your chin to face him.

"The only thing I can do is teach you to control your power, train you, prepare you to fight." His deep brown eyes locked onto yours, but you shook your head and backed away.

"And what if I can't do it?" You balled your hands into fists and you began subconsciously tearing at the skin on your fingers again. You backed slowly towards the door, noticing his eyes following you.

"I don't-" a sob escaped your lips and he looked at you, his expression concerned and bewildered. "I don't think I'm strong enough."

"Slona-"

But before he could say anything else, you turned and walked out of the room, holding back choked sobs and streaming tears as you left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah, we gotta have some fluff after the last chapter


	9. Touch Without Motive

You went back to your room, hoping against hope that he wouldn't follow you this time. You climbed into bed with your knees pulled up to your chest again, facing the wall with your back to the door. You tried your best to hold in your sobs, to stop crying for the umpteenth time that day, but the tears kept coming. You felt completely and utterly alone; your own  _ family _ no longer even knew who you were and honestly,  _ neither did you. _

You screwed your eyes shut when you heard the door slide open, hoping that the Commander would leave you alone if he thought you were sleeping.

Instead of his angry footsteps that came across the room the day before, you heard the sound of clothing rustling and boots dropping to the floor. All of a sudden, you felt your bed sink and the mattress groaned as he pulled himself onto it.

"You have to talk to me, Slona."

You chose not to look at him and continued facing the wall.

"No I don't," you muttered under your breath. You had no intention of crying in front of him again or pissing him off. "You don't talk to me, so why should I fucking talk to you?"

He huffed and rolled onto his side. You breathed in sharply when his hands brushed your hips, gently pulling your body against his.

"As your master, your teacher, my responsibility is to help you. Your power is only being weakened by your emotions."

"You already told me that," you barely breathed and your body was stiff against his, you found yourself waiting for the aggressive version of him to return. "The only emotion acceptable to you is anger."

"Anger is fuel for your power. Need I remind you of what happened yesterday?"

You shook your head and felt your face redden.

"I told you that was a mistake, there's no way I could make that happen again."

He snorted.

"That's why I'm teaching you."

"Well you should fucking teach me how to forget my family, then." You pursed your lips, trying to prevent a sob from escaping yet again. The room was silent until he let out a soft, deep breath.

"That's something you'll have to figure out yourself," his hand absentmindedly stroked your hair and your body gradually relaxed and you rested your head on his chest.

"I'm not sure I want to forget, I don't want to lose who I was, I don't want to change."

"You already have."

You wrenched yourself away from him and pulled yourself into a sitting position, staring down at him.

"There's still a piece of you from before," his eyes narrowed at you, his expression darkening. "You had a different life before, didn't you? I could sense it in you yesterday, you have so much regret, so much fear." He climbed out of bed and turned his back to you, his body tensing. "There's a part of you that is what you were before."

"Enough," he snarled and turned to face you with his brow furrowed. "That's not any of your concern."

Your eyes widened and you stared at him, but you kept your mouth shut, not wanting to provoke him any further.

Sighing, he lay back down on the bed and dragged your body against his again. You held your breath, surprised by the sudden change in attitude. He looped his arms around you and pulled you even closer, you rested your head on his chest once more.

"I left my old life behind. It's time for you to do the same."

You slowly released your breath and decided to let it go. If you had to forget, you could do it on your own time, not whenever he commanded you to.

One of his hands glided up and down your body, gently touching any exposed skin. You flinched as his hand went under your shirt, lightly tracing your rib cage.

"You've lost weight." The bluntness of his statement surprised you. "Don't make me punish you for not eating, too."

"Trust me, I won't be giving you any reason to 'punish' me any time soon."

He huffed ever so slightly into your hair.

"Don't bother trying to say that you didn't enjoy it, I can sense otherwise."

Though your body had relaxed against him, your mind was racing, wondering why he was being like this.

"You're confused,"

You rolled over to face him, fighting the urge to run your fingers through his hair or trace his soft, pliant lips.

"I don't understand," his brow furrowed, his expression blank. "How can you go from how you were yesterday to this?" You chewed on your thumb and looked away. "I'm not sure how to trust you, you're so..." He pulled your finger from your mouth and you glanced up at him.

"What?" he whispered, genuine confusion taking over his face.

You found yourself snorting at his expression. "You're so unpredictable."

He rolled his eyes and you clamped a hand over your mouth, trying to prevent yourself from looking like a giggling little girl. "You're usually a fucking asshole and now you're being  _ nice _ ?"

"You expect me to be cruel when you're in this emotional state?" His eyes widened, his mouth parted slightly in surprise to your laugh.

You rolled over and faced away from him again. "Well, you definitely were yesterday,"

He pulled you against his chest, his arms around your waist, his lips brushing against your ear.

"Keep up your attitude and there's a good chance the same events will take place again."

You sighed yet again and shook your head, smiling slightly. His large hands resumed gently touching your body and stroking your hair. Realizing that this affection wouldn't last, your eyes fluttered shut and you relaxed completely against him, sinking into the bed. As you slowly fell asleep, you dreaded waking again to a different version of the man lulling you to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More fluff time


	10. Another Reminder

Just as you thought you would, you woke the next morning alone. You rolled over in bed and stared at your ceiling, trying to figure out what you were supposed to do. 

The Commander was right, as much as you hated to admit it: you really couldn't go back. Your family no longer knew who you were and even if you tried to leave, you wouldn't have a home waiting for you. 

But how could you continue in the life you had now? You knew you'd be expected to increase your power, and probably kill more people. _No I'd_ definitely _have to kill more people._

You sighed and rubbed your eyes harshly, frustrated that you had no idea what you were doing or what the hell you should do next. _The Commander just expects me to follow the First Order blindly, but why should I even help them?_

You slowly dragged yourself out of bed, still feeling some pain deep in between your legs, and ate some of the food on your desk: the last thing you wanted was to piss off Kylo even more. You dressed quickly and left your room, assuming that he would be waiting in the training room. 

As you approached, the Commander walked out of a room a little ways down the hall and walked towards you. You stared into his mask, hoping to see some sign of the man you were with last night, but of course not. 

"I will be leaving for a mission tomorrow and the Supreme Leader wants you to attend."

"Oh," your heart started racing. You thought you would've had more time training before going on a mission. 

You followed him into the training room and he pulled your lightsaber off the wall and handed it to you. 

"From now on, you will carry this weapon with you at all times," he took off his mask and cloak and tossed them to the side, his helmet hitting the floor with a thud. 

You looked up at him and noticed his tired expression, looking just as exhausted and haggard as you did. You found yourself wondering why he wasn't sleeping, wondering if it was because of you. 

Your subconscious laughed at you so you pushed the thought out of your mind, feeling stupid for thinking he might actually care about you. _Last night was just to get me to stop being mad at him._ You chewed on your thumb, tasting blood on the raw skin. _He's just as heartless as he was before._

You jumped slightly when his eyes met yours, worried that he had heard your thoughts, but he said nothing. 

He took his saber from his belt and ignited it. He twirled it expertly and you watched in awe before igniting your own lightsaber and feeling a sense of strength: you already liked it a lot better than the metal staff. Despite this newfound power, you were terrified of using it. 

Kylo stepped forward and you steadied yourself, holding the crackling weapon in front of you. As he swung at you, you blocked him, just as you had learned to do with the staff. You took the offense as you grew in confidence, choosing to ignore the possibility of singeing off one of your limbs.

Ren became more aggressive, showing just a glimpse of his full power. His strength took you off guard and you shakily held your lightsaber in front of your face. He pushed forward, his saber crossed over yours, the tip of the weapon inches away from you. He pressed harder, backing you against the mirrored wall.

Feeling trapped, you used every bit of your strength to shove him away, but as you did so, the tip of his weapon slashed across the left side of your face, searing the skin from your ear, across your cheek and chin, and down to the right side of your neck, stopping just before your collarbone. 

"Fuck, _Kylo_!"

You clamped your hand to your cheek, the heat from the weapon still lingering on your face. You shut off your lightsaber and tossed it to the side while Ren replaced his on his belt. 

He stepped forward with his hand outstretched but you backed away, not wanting him to touch the raw skin. He quickly replaced his helmet and cloak and took your hand. You rolled your eyes as he pulled you from the room, leading you down long hallways throughout the base.

"An apology would be nice," you grumbled under your breath, trying to wrench your hand out of his. 

"I fail to see how this is my fault." 

He held your hand tighter and continued to drag you along; you felt like a small child being led by their parent, having to take twice as many steps as him in order to keep up.

"Oh really? Need I remind you, it was _your_ lightsaber that did it,"

He continued to trudge down the hallway, ignoring your last statement.

Eyes followed you both as you walked through the base. People craned their necks out of doorways to stare and hastily stepped out of the way at the sight of the Commander. You stared back curiously, taking in your surroundings: this was the first time you had seen people other than Kylo and your service droid for _weeks_.

General Hux stepped out of a door guarded by Storm Troopers and started walking beside Ren and he quickly released your hand. You trailed after them and looked inside of the room Hux walked out of and caught a glimpse of huge, blinking control panels and uniformed men clustered around.

"Your shuttle is currently being prepared for tomorrow," He looked behind Ren at you and smirked, his eyes taking in the cut across your face. "I assume your student is prepared to go with you." 

The Commander said nothing, seeming to ignore Hux. 

"Will you require Storm Troopers to attend?"

Kylo stopped suddenly and you slammed into his back, barely stopping yourself from falling backwards onto the floor. His solid body didn't even move

"Assuming that you don't trust our abilities, I can imagine that you are intending to send them anyway."

Ren didn't seem to notice you slamming into him or the fact that you were standing next to him with one hand on your hip and the other one clutching at your face.

"No sir," Hux stuttered in response. "I'm sure that you both are quite capable, but I only thought-"

Kylo ignored him and walked through a door on the right, leading you into a brightly lit room full of medical equipment. You turned to look at Hux briefly and watch his anxious appearance change to anger, brow furrowed in frustration. He stalked off, leaving you and the Commander in the medbay. 

"She requires medical attention," Ren said bluntly to the man who approached; he looked tiny in comparison to the Commander as he stood nervously in front of him. 

"Of course sir, right away," the man nearly dropped his data pad and ushered you over to a bed with a curtain around it. 

"Report back to your quarters when you are finished. I will retrieve you tomorrow morning." 

Without another word, Kylo stormed off, his black clothing billowing behind him. 

The man's weathered face smiled down at you pityingly as you sat on the bed, running one hand through his graying hair and the other gently examining your face. You winced as machinery began to poke at your face, roughly wiping the raw cut and pulling at the damaged skin. Your hands balled into fists around the sheets on the bed and you squeezed your eyes shut, holding in tears of pain. 

After what felt like hours, the man put the machinery away and inspected your face again.

"You're free to leave," the man stared at you curiously as you got off the bed, readjusting your cloak to better cover the exposed skin on your legs.

"Um, thanks?" You gingerly touched your face, feeling a thin bandage that ran in a long line across your face and down your neck. 

"The bandage will dissolve within the next few hours. Unfortunately, the weapon that did this, I assume it was a lightsaber, caused major damage to the tissue in your face and will most likely leave a scar."

"Great," you muttered under your breath and nodded at the man as you left the medbay, feeling somewhat annoyed by his sympathetic expression, but thankful for what he had done. 

_Just another permanent reminder that I'm not the same person I once was._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was really fun to write! In the process of helping Slona get over her trauma ;)


	11. Something Better Than an Apology

You walked with your head down as you made your way back through the base and to your secluded quarters, trying to ignore everyone's stares.

As you neared the training room, you stopped in front of the door the Commander had walked out of earlier that day. You examined the security feature keeping the door locked, but at your touch, the door slid open. You poked your head inside, expecting to see something interesting, but the darkness in the room hid everything.

You stepped inside and the door slid shut again behind you. A singular light flickered on as you walked down a hallway, noticing an open door. You hesitantly walked in, but it was just a dark bedroom. Another soft light turned on and you glanced around the room.

The walls were all cool, gray metal, just like they were all over base. An enormous bed took up most of the space in the room and there was a bathroom much bigger than your own off to the side. You noticed a pile of large, black clothing on the floor at the foot of the bed, slowly realizing where you were.  _ Shit, is this Kylo's bedroom? _

Just as you started to panic, you heard the door slide open and the sound of stomping boots. You turned quickly but felt frozen as the Commander started walking towards you, removing his helmet as he approached.

"What do you think you're doing?"

You backed away from him as he entered the room, stuttering apologies.

"I'm sorry sir, I was just curious, I didn't mean-"

"I assumed as much. I could feel your panic, you sensed me approaching."

He slowly removed his gloves and his outer cloak and pulled off his boots, tossing them both onto the pile at the foot of the bed.

You crossed your arms over your chest, trying to compose yourself and calm your nerves. You took a seat at the edge of the bed with your head bowed slightly, trying to ignore Kylo approaching you. He gently took hold of your chin and tilted your face, his eyes examining the bandage and the cut underneath it.

"I'm still waiting for an apology," you pouted at him and he smirked.

"I have a better idea."

He gently pushed you onto the bed and stood over you. Excitement and arousal bubbled deep inside of you.  _ I can't believe I'm doing this again. _

You knew it was wrong, you knew this wasn't a relationship you should be having with your master, your  _ teacher,  _ but something about him made your attraction impossible to ignore. Even though he had done so many terrible things to you, you  _ wanted _ him.

He looked down at you as he removed layers of armour and clothing. You watched him hungrily as he stripped, hoping that he would wear less this time. He raised an eyebrow at you and took off his tight undershirt, leaving on his pants.

You sat up on your elbows and gaped at him, wanting so badly to trace every bit of his muscled skin, to plant kisses down his neck, to touch every little mark and scar. You quickly pulled off your cloak and shirt, tossing them mindlessly to the side. As you were about to remove your bra and pull off your bottoms, you felt an invisible grip around your wrists, holding you in place.

Kylo pushed you back down and straddled you, his knees on either side of your hips. He took your hands and lifted your arms into the air before unlatching your bra behind your back.

Tossing your bra to the growing pile of clothes, he leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on your lips. His dark, wavy hair tickled your skin as he slowly kissed down your neck. You tilted your head to give him more access to your neck, moaning slightly as his tongue ran lightly across your skin.

He trailed kisses down to your breasts and softly suckled your skin. You groaned, adoring the sensation and appreciating how different this was from the last time. Kylo smirked against you and moved down your stomach, his fingers gliding down your waist and along your hips as he went.

When he reached the waistband of your shorts, he climbed off of you and knelt on the floor in between your legs. 

Your eyes widened as he wrenched off your boots and pulled your shorts and panties off your hips and down your legs, flinging them to the side. You shivered as he leaned forward to kiss your left thigh, his hair once again tickling your skin.

Your breathing became heavy as he kissed up your thighs. You pulled your bottom lip in between your teeth as he approached your sex, but he skipped over it and began kissing your right leg. You huffed slightly in frustration and he looked up at you.

"Here's something better than an apology,"

His head leaned forward and you felt his tongue against your folds. You groaned as he licked wide bands up and down, starting at your wet core and ending just before your clit. You whined in response, aching for him to go up just a little further.

He glanced up at you and pulled away slightly, his breath tickling your skin as he chuckled.

"Little Slona," he placed a kiss on you stomach and your legs shook, longing for him to keep going. "Maybe I won't make you beg this time."

Your eyes narrowed and pleaded with him. He raised an eyebrow but gave in and leaned forward again. You squealed when his lips latched around your clit, your body shuddering at the sensation. He hummed as he sucked, sending vibrations deep inside you as he continued.

Your breathing became heavier and your fingers coiled around his hair, forcing him closer against you. Your climax approached as he applied more pressure, his fingers digging into your hips, pulling you tighter against his face.

"Gods, Kylo-" you moaned loudly, squeezing your eyes shut and your mouth dropped open. Your back arched off the bed as you came, Kylo continuing to assault you until the end of your orgasm.

Your body collapsed onto the bed, the sheets sticking to your sweaty skin. You panted softly as he pulled away and licked his lips.

"Still want an apology?"

You glared at him and he smirked. He walked into the bathroom and returned with a wet washcloth, wiping at his full lips. You pulled yourself onto your elbows and your cheeks blushed as he gently cleaned between your legs.

You buried yourself underneath the sheets when he walked back into the bathroom, noticing how much softer and more comfortable his bed was than your own. Kylo returned minutes later, readjusting his pants before tossing the sheets aside and climbing into the bed beside you. You looked at him curiously, surprised he didn't expect something from you in return, but he gently pulled you against him, your back against his front.

You relished the feeling of his bare chest against your skin and absentmindedly traced your fingers down his arm. His muscles clenched slightly at your touch but relaxed as he looped his arms around you, holding you lightly against him.

"You haven't been thinking of them as much, your family," he said softly, his fingers combing through your hair.

You nodded, not sure what to say and you closed your eyes as you sighed.

"No, not as much. I think I'm starting to accept the fact that they don't know who I am." You grasped your arms across your chest, lying stiffly against his body. "They're safer this way."

Kylo said nothing as he continued to stroke your hair, seeming to be pleased with your response. 

"You know, I wasn't really that upset about this scar,"

He gently touched your face as you said it, his fingers lightly skimming down your neck.

"I just hate that it's another reminder of how different I am."

He sighed and rested his hand on your hip, the tip of his finger drawing circles on your skin.

"It's unavoidable. This is the life you have now,"

You let out a deep breath and nestled closer to him.

"I know, but it doesn't mean I have to like it."

He snorted and pinched your thigh.

"Stubborn as always."

You hit him playfully, laughing slightly.

You hated the emotional rollercoaster that Kylo put you through, but moments like these, feeling safe in his embrace, his fingertips tracing your skin...They made you forget about your past life, made you feel ok with the situation you were in now. You didn't understand why you found yourself caring for him, wanting to be with him, craving his touch.

You slowly drifted off in his arms, sensing contentment in both of you.


	12. Unprepared

"Slona," 

You sat up suddenly, waking to Kylo dressing himself at the foot of the bed. You rubbed your eyes and tried to stifle a yawn, watching him until his skin was covered.

"You have fifteen minutes."

"Shit, what the hell! Why the fuck didn't you wake me up earlier?"

You practically fell out of bed and scrambled to pull clothing over your head, feeling the Commander's eyes on you as you pulled on the tight clothing with difficulty. 

"I'll have to do something about that mouth later," 

You glared at him and scooped up your boots before fumbling with the door and racing down the hall in bare feet. 

After passing the training room and running down way too many hallways, you arrived in your quarters. You ripped off your clothes again to put on clean ones, opting for a long sleeved shirt and pants, both ridiculously tight as usual. You fastened a belt around the formless robe and pulled a hooded cloak around your neck. After pulling your boots back on, you wandered into the bathroom with just a few minutes to spare. 

You did a double take when you saw your reflection. Not only was your hair a horrendous mess, but the bandage on your face had fully dissolved, revealing the long scar. It wasn't raw like it was the day before, but it was a light pink and very obvious. 

You sighed and combed through your hair with your fingers before securing it out of the way, accepting that this was one thing that you could control. Just as you finished securing your hair in place and pulling the hood over your head, the door to your room opened, revealing Ren in the hallway.

He handed your lightsaber to you as you stepped out the door. 

"Don't forget this again,"

You stared straight at his mask as you fastened the weapon in your belt. 

"Happy?" 

He huffed and started walking down the long corridors. As usual, you had to walk quickly to keep up with him and you found yourself resenting it.  _ Of all the things to be mad about, I choose to be upset that he walks fast?  _

You followed him to a landing platform and once again saw the Command Shuttle. Your heart ached slightly, just for a moment, as you remembered seeing the shuttle for the first time, but you pushed those thoughts out of your head and climbed up the ramp. 

Ren motioned to you to sit in a seat next to him and you plopped down, trying to ignore your rising anxiety. You tore at the skin on your fingers as the shuttle lifted off the ground, your eyes darting nervously around and watching the pilots and Storm Troopers. 

"Um, where are we going exactly?" You chewed your thumb and looked over at the Commander. 

"To a neutral base. We have reason to believe that someone is hiding there," he turned towards you expectantly. "And has a piece of the map to Luke Skywalker." 

"Skywalker?" You dropped your hands to your lap in surprise. "I thought he was a myth!" 

He said nothing and faced the front again. Without thinking, you continued to gnaw at your fingers but swore under your breath when one started bleeding. Without a word, Kylo dropped a pair of gloves into your lap. 

"I knew you liked the pain," his voice was so quiet it dipped below the synthesizer in his helmet, so soft that you almost couldn't hear it. You rolled your eyes and pulled them on, now having nothing to distract you from your anxiousness. 

The shuttle landed with a jolt and you jumped out of your seat. You stood by the Commander as the door slowly opened and followed him down the ramp. 

The base was small and looked like a camp, people stood in front of tents and watched you fearfully. Two men approached, each holding a blaster at their waists. 

"Commander Ren," the two of them stood in front of the Commander, their eyes darting nervously between the two of you and the Storm Troopers not far behind. 

"You have something we want," they backed away as Kylo stepped toward them, looking terrified of his mechanical voice. 

"Don't know what you're talking about." 

"Oh I think you do. Give us the map," he removed his lightsaber from his belt and ignited it. "And we'll let you go."

"Now!" All of a sudden, a people came running from all over the camp, their blasters shooting in every direction. 

You quickly ignited your lightsaber and deflected the bullets and watched the Commander advance on the two men out of the corner of your eye. You ducked as a blast went over your head from the right and you turned towards it, making your way towards the man shooting at you. 

He continued to shoot and you deflected each shot. Realizing that it was a losing battle with the blaster, he chucked it aside and pulled another weapon from his belt. It crackled with electricity as he swung it at you and you pushed back, having to work much harder against his strength. You steadied yourself and took the offensive, refusing to admit defeat.

The man collapsed to the ground when you outstretched your hand and focused on gripping at his throat. He dropped his weapon as he struggled under your Force hold, staring at you with wide eyes. You released the grip and stood over him, your lightsaber inches from his chest. 

"You don't have to do this,"

Your stomach dropped at his words and memories of the pilot flooded your mind. Your eyes brimmed with tears as you stared at him and lowered your lightsaber to your side.

"You-" you were cut off by him pulling another blaster from his belt and taking a shot at your left shoulder while you were distracted. You cried out and your grip on your weapon weakened.

The man took off running, shooting back at you as he went. You stumbled as you felt another shot to your right hip, raising your lightsaber to fight back but falling to your knees. Just as you were about to give up, he stopped and looked down at his chest. 

You watched Kylo's lightsaber cut through him, and you looked away, feeling sick. 

You looked past him at the camp, seeing burning tents and bodies all over the ground. Ren walked towards you and dragged you to your feet. He put his lightsaber on his belt, picked up yours, and pulled your left arm over his shoulder. You winced as he pressed your hip against his and helped you limp towards the Command Shuttle. 

He said nothing as he practically carried you up the entrance ramp and dropped you in your seat. The Storm Troopers were silent as they also boarded the shuttle and the pilots took off. Once in the air, Ren stormed towards you and yanked you to your feet, his gloved hand around your neck. 

"I guess we were all wrong when we thought you were ready."


	13. Making Enemies (but also friends)

He dragged you away from your seat and pushed you against the back wall of the ship. 

"You compromised this mission,"

You tried to wrench his hand away from your neck but winced when you lifted your arm. His other hand took hold of your hip and he pushed into your wound, forcing you to cry out. 

"You let him distract you from focusing," he held your throat even tighter. "You knew who had the map," tears sprang to your eyes as he dug his hand into your hip. "And made it possible for them to escape." 

Using all your energy, you pushed him away from you and collapsed to the floor. 

"I didn't know!" You stared up at him, wanting so badly to hit him. "I had no clue who had it, how could I-"

"That first time you used The Force in the training room," Ren's mask stared down at you. "You saw members of the Resistance."

You shut your eyes, trying to think back to that moment, trying to think about the thing that was insignificant compared to finding out that your family didn't know who you were. Your eyes shot open as you realized: you  _ did _ see someone holding a piece of the map, someone marked with an old tattered symbol.  _ An old member of the Rebellion.  _

"Commander, I'm-" your breathed in sharply as you crawled to your feet to face him. "I'm sorry, I should have recognized them. But maybe I can find them, maybe I could-"

He turned away from you sharply and walked to the front towards the pilots, leaving you alone once again in the back of the shuttle. 

You sank back to the floor, trying to hold in a sob and ignore all your pain.  _ I compromised the mission, I couldn't do it, I couldn't kill him.  _

Kylo's words kept ringing in the back of your mind, making you feel even worse about your failure. You put your head in your hands, hating the different emotions he put your through. Hating how he could go from lulling you to sleep and comforting you, to causing you pain and berating you. 

You dragged yourself to your feet again when the shuttle landed and wiped your eyes, deciding you should probably head to the medbay. You avoided looking at Ren as you limped down the ramp and tried to mentally prepare yourself for the long walk through base. 

Before you could take a step, you felt arms looping around the back of your knees and you shrieked as the Commander tossed you over his shoulder. 

Your hip burned from being pressed into his thick shoulder and your shoulder ached hanging down his back, but you chose to keep your mouth shut and decided this was better than limping through base. 

_ Why couldn't he just carry me like a fucking baby if he was going to go to the trouble? _

His hand swat at your ass, leaving a sting. Your mouth dropped open in horror, but the hallway was empty. 

"You've got to be kidding me," your voice was muffled against his back.

"And you've got to keep your mouth shut," his booming, altered voice bounced around the metal walls and you silently pleaded with him to be quiet.  _ The fucking hallway isn't going to stay empty if you keep talking like that.  _

"You were literally just screaming at me," you muttered against his cloak, feet kicking at his chest slightly. "I can't keep up with your fucking emotions, dude." 

"If you had done what you were told, you wouldn't have to."

Once you reached the medbay, he dropped you on your feet, causing pain to shoot through your hip and up your waist. 

"Shit," you whispered under your breath and you glared at him. 

The same doctor from the day before saw you and simply nodded before leading you to some different medical equipment.

"Report to the same place as you did yesterday."

You rolled your eyes as Ren left, knowing he couldn't see you.  _ After everything he just said and did, he wants me to go to his room again? Yeah, right. _

Your smirk turned into a grimace as the machines poked at your wounds, digging into the torn flesh and pulling it shut again. 

"I wouldn't say I'm surprised to see you again," the doctor smiled down at you with pity, his pale green eyes looking at you sympathetically, running his fingers through his salt and pepper hair. "But I didn't think you'd be back so soon with equally atrocious injuries." 

You laughed slightly and unfurled your hand from around the sheets and extended it to him.

"I'm Slona," your brow furrowed slightly, realizing it was the first time you had introduced yourself using that name. 

"Nice to meet you officially, Slona. I'm Doctor Canmore." He shook your hand gently and gave another soft smile.

You smiled back at him and sat up, realizing the machines were almost done. 

"Alright, these bandages will dissolve just as the one did yesterday, but there will most likely be bruising and soreness for the next few days. Also-"

"Let me guess: there'll be a scar." 

He nodded and his pitying grimace reappeared. You climbed off the bed and shook his hand once more before limping slightly towards the door. 

You leaned against the door of the medbay after it slid shut and smiled to yourself. For the first time, well,  _ ever _ , you felt like you had made a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a shorter chapter and is less interesting, but I thought Slona should be cut a break and get to make a friend.


	14. Confusion and Apprehension

You stood outside of Kylo's room with your arms crossed, deciding whether or not you should directly disobey his orders or listen to him. One half of you wanted to just ignore him and go to your room out of spite, while the other half wanted to curl up in his comfy bed and just blindly hope that he would be comforting. 

Sighing, you pushed the button to open the door and walked in, deciding to listen to the less logical part of your body. You made your way through the dark room and pulled off your boots and outer layers before collapsing into his bed. You shut your eyes and curled up underneath the blankets, hoping that you would fall asleep before he showed up. 

Your mind wandered briefly to memories of your family, but instead of feeling sad, a sense of surrender came over you, as if your brain was finally letting go of what once was. You tried to fight it, but you knew you had to move on. You knew, as much as it killed you to admit it, that your family couldn't be a part of your future. You squeezed your eyes shut and let out a long exhale, deciding that, as painful as it was, it was time to leave your family behind. 

A wave of calm came over you as you fell asleep, even though you knew that in sleep, nightmares awaited you . 

__________________________

_ You opened your eyes and found yourself standing in the middle of burning tents and rubble. You looked around for other people, but there were only piles of bodies and weapons scattered across the ground. You opened your mouth to scream when You realized that they were the people from the neutral base, but all was silent. All at once, darkness came over the camp and you felt as if you were being swallowed by it, as if you couldn't escape, as if- _

You sat up in bed panting and looked wildly around you, realizing that what had just happened was a dream. You dropped your head into your hands and started sobbing, completely overwhelmed by the incredible fear you just experienced.

"Slona?"

You jumped at the sound of your name and, balling your hand into a fist, struck in the direction the sound came from. You heard a soft grunt and felt your hand hitting something solid. 

You looked over to your right and gasped. You looked down at sleepy Kylo and sobbed again, forgetting your surprise that he was even there. 

He sat up and took your face into his hands, wiping the tears off your face.

"What happened?" His voice was soft, clouded by sleep.

You leaned forward and rested your forehead on his shoulder.

"It was just a dream," you sighed into his shirt and breathed in his wonderful scent. "I was at the base again." 

He pulled you closer to his chest and gently ran his fingers through your hair. You tensed against his body and you frowned in bewilderment. 

"I sense confusion in you," he pulled away to look at your face but gently kept his hand on your uninjured hip. 

"I just," you looked away from him. "I don't understand." You looked back at him again, surprised by his also bewildered expression. "You go from yelling at me and punishing me to this. You remind me of my failures and weaknesses but then try and comfort me." 

He continued to stare at you and his fingers absentmindedly started tracing your body. 

"And every time I bring it up, I don't get an answer,"

His expression was blank as he looked at you, making you feel unsure of whether or not he was actually hearing you. "It'd be nice if I could just have  _ one _ of your alternate personalities."

He snorted, but without a word, he pulled you against his body and leaned back onto the bed with you on top of him, carefully avoiding touching your wounded hip or shoulder. You rested your head on his chest and shut your eyes, trying to sense what was happening inside of him. 

As his arms wrapped around you, you tried to ignore your own feelings and instead focus on him: you hadn't realized before how difficult it was. You relaxed against him while also relaxing your mind, reaching outside of yourself. 

You could sense different feelings and emotions: exhaustion, confusion, and a slight sense of fear. But beyond that, there was a sense of contentment and a feeling that was difficult to label: affection. 

All of a sudden, he pushed you off of him and then pinned you to the bed, kneeling over you.

"What are you doing?" He growled at you, his eyes were wild and looked frightened. "What are you trying to do?"

You were taken aback by the look of fear in his eyes, finding yourself feeling afraid of this strong man looking like a terrified child. 

"Nothing!" You stuttered, trying to throw him off your track. "I was just, well, I was trying to sense what you were feeling." 

His expression didn't soften and in attempts to make himself feel in control, one hand pinned your arms above your head while the other took hold of your throat. You stared at him in confusion, caught off guard by his fear and defensiveness.  _ What is he trying to hide? _

"Kylo," you whispered his name against his hand and looked up at him with a soft expression. 

He sighed and shut his eyes and when he opened them, he looked more calm, but he still looked at you warily. He climbed off of you and laid back down on the bed before pulling your body against him once more. 

"I hadn't realized that your powers had grown," he mumbled against your skin as if he was embarrassed to say it. "I see I've taught you well." 

You giggled slightly but cringed at the sound, wanting to maintain the brief sense of power you had had over him. 

He pulled you even closer to him and wrapped his arms around you. You nuzzled your face into his neck, still feeling somewhat bewildered. 

_ Why is this man, one of the strongest men in the galaxy, acting intimidated by me? _

You rested in his embrace and listened to his soft breathing as he fell asleep, completely in awe of this confusing man, holding you as he slept.


	15. Thoughts of Disloyalty

After waking up to an empty bed without any sign of where Kylo had gone, you half-heartedly trudged to your room, deciding to wait for an order from him. Days passed without hearing from him, leaving you to half limp, half pace around your bedroom or stand outside of his locked quarters. 

By the time he finally showed up, the pain in your hip and shoulder had almost completely disappeared. 

You jumped from your bed when the door slid open, trying to prevent yourself from racing out of the room and launching yourself into his arms.  _ What am I? A wife waiting for her husband to come home from war? _

He motioned to you wordlessly and you followed him down the hallways into the training room. You stood watching him in the doorway, waiting for some sort of explanation as to where he had been or some instruction. You held your breath as you heard the hissing latches of his helmet, jumping slightly when he tossed it to the floor. Your mind began to wander as you looked at his face, remembering how strong his lips had been, how soft his hair was...

Pinching yourself, you plopped down as he snapped his fingers and gestured for you to sit on the floor. 

"Because of your  _ mistake _ in the last mission," you turned to glare at him but he just stared straight ahead at the mirror. "It is now your responsibility to find the person who has the map again."

Your mind began to race: not only were you unsure of whether or not you could find the Resistance member, you found something deep inside of you, a feeling telling you that you  _ shouldn't _ do it. 

"Excuse me sir," he finally turned to face you, but avoided making eye contact. "I'm not positive I will be able to, um, do that again." 

His eyes finally met yours, expression dark and unreadable. "This is an order, not a request." 

You stared at him in confusion, wondering why he was behaving differently, wondering what had happened while he was gone. You stood up slowly, tilting your head, your eyes searching his as you stepped towards him. 

"Where have you been?" You asked him hesitantly, knowing how he might react when probed. "What mission have you been on that I couldn't follow?"

He turned away and faced the mirror again, his fingers balling in and out of fists. 

"That's none of your concern," he muttered after a moment, his eyes darting around the room slightly. 

"Don't give me that shit," frustration grew inside you as you took hold of his shoulder, wrenching him around to face you. "What have you  _ really _ been doing?"

He shoved your hand off his shoulder and stepped forward, towering over you. 

"The Supreme Leader," he spoke slowly with his eyes narrowed, as if he didn't want to say it. "He thinks that you're becoming a distraction. He thinks that your loyalty may not lie with the First Order."

You ripped your eyes away from his, looking everywhere but him, chewing on one of your fingers.  _ So they have sensed it.  _

"I'm still here, aren't I?" You shrugged at him, trying to make him believe you  _ hadn't _ had thoughts of disloyalty. "If what you're saying is true, I would've left by now." 

"You've said it yourself, you're not sure if you're on the _ 'right side. _ '" He looked at you scathingly, not entirely believing you but desperately wanting to. 

You sighed and squeezed your eyes shut, trying to figure out what to do. 

"Look," you opened your eyes and stepped towards him. "I'll help you find the map, ok? My loyalty lies with you," 

"And what about the First Order?" He took a step nearer to you too and your heart started beating faster, your mind begging him to touch you after being without him for so long. 

"If I'm with you, then I guess I'm with the First Order as well." 

Grinning at you slightly, he took hold of the belt at your waist and yanked you towards him. "Good girl." 

You tossed your arms around his neck as he crushed your mouth with his, his kiss hungry, desperate. You wound your fingers into his hair and pulled slightly, making him moan into your mouth. As he pushed you against the mirrored wall, he reached out his hand and the door to the training room began to slide shut. Though you didn't think anyone would come in, you extended your hand as well to lock the door without touching it as his hand slid underneath your shirt. 

You moaned into his mouth as he squeezed your breast, his digits catching the puckering nipple even over the bra. 

"Mm, how I've missed this little body," he moved his lips down your neck and you smirked. 

"You're telling me that cuddling isn't enough for you?"

He smirked back as he pulled your shirt over your head and unlatched your bra, pressing your bare skin against the cool glass. 

"Maybe if you weren't so emotional there wouldn't have been need for cuddling," 

You moaned again as he flicked your nipple and took it between his teeth. 

"Please," you gasped, feeling the cool air against the skin on your legs as he tore off your pants. "I'm not the only emotional one." 

You unfastened the cloak from around his neck as he pulled your panties down your hips. He stood to his full height again and planted a scorching kiss on your lips before quickly undoing the clasp on his belt and unfastening his pants. 

Again, you found yourself stunned by the length of his dick, but remembering  _ why _ you had seen it last time. He watched you with a surprised look on his face as you dropped to your knees, mouth inches from his pulsing shaft. 

You wrapped your fingers around his length, guiding it towards your mouth. He stepped forward, pushing you back against the glass, and you dropped your mouth to receive him.

He hissed in pleasure as the tip of his dick slipped past your lips and further into your mouth, approaching the back of your throat. You held back a gag as he pushed in, working your tongue along the bottom of his shaft, your saliva mixing with the taste of his pre-cum as he thrust into your mouth.

" _ Fuck _ ," he muttered between gritted teeth. His thrusts quickened and he moved closer, spit dripping from your mouth and gagging again as your nose touched the hair on his stomach. 

Without warning, he pulled out, leaving you gasping for air with spit dribbling down your chin. Your body slowly rose from the ground, your eyes meeting his, his face just as red and sweaty as yours. Pushing you against the mirror, he lifted your hips to wrap your legs around his wait, your hands clutching his biceps to steady yourself. 

"That's a much better use for that dirty little mouth of yours,"

You moaned softly as his dick slipped between your folds, your body aching deep inside. 

" _ Shit _ , Kylo, please,"

Grunting slightly, he positioned himself at your entrance before thrusting in, making a cry escape your lips. Your eyes rolled back and you chewed your lip, relishing the feeling of him filling you.

He continued thrusting, his pace quickening as your pleasure hit a wall, clit begging for attention. 

"You want to cum, little Slona?"

You moaned unintelligibly in response, begging for more contact. More pleasure began to rise inside of you as you felt a buzzing sensation at your clit. With difficulty, you opened your eyes and looked at him, seeing both hands firmly holding your hips as he pummeled your cunt. 

"What, what the- _ oh fuck. _ " the pressure increased, and in the back of your mind, you realized that the  _ Force _ was doing this.  _ Holy shit, it can do that? _

Every other thought was pushed from your mind as you came, your eyes snapping shut, light blinding your vision. Kylo latched his lips against yours as he finished, pumping you full of his seed.

The two of you stayed there like that against the mirror as your breathing slowed, your legs wrapped around his waist, his hands holding tight to your hips and supporting your back, and your fingers running through his sweaty, wavy hair. 

___________________________

After what felt like hours, he slowly pulled out of you and lowered your feet to the ground. He bent over and handed you your clothes before making himself decent, tucking himself away and pulling his robes back on.

You faced the mirror as you dressed yourself, noticing him watch your every movement, like every inch of your skin was a fucking piece of art.

"We have another mission coming up," his eyes met yours in the reflection of the mirror, waiting to see your reaction.

You slowly walked towards the weapons mounted out the wall, grabbing your lightsaber and igniting it before twirling it lazily through the air.

"We've discovered another Resistance base,"

You continued twirling your weapon, seeming to ignore Kylo, sparks lighting up the air.

"We- _ I  _ need you to use your power to see if the person with the map, the Resistance member, is at the base in order to ensure that this won't be  _ another _ failed mission."

Your mind was racing, trying to come up with a response before he tried to see what you were  _ really _ thinking. You had  _ just _ told him that your loyalty lies with the First Order, but you knew that was really just to get him off your track.

"Do you understand? You failed the last mission, the Supreme Leader will not be merciful if you fail again,"

You stared straight ahead at mirror, fighting the urge to run from the room or slice something open with your lightsaber.

" _ Slona _ ," he raised his voice, a warning. "Understood?"

"I- yes, understood,"

You faced him, trying to keep your expression neutral, trying to protect your real thoughts, trying to protect a secret plan that was forming on its own. 


	16. Oh So Many Feelings

You lay awake in Kylo's enormous bed as he slept next to you, his soft breathing the only sound in the room. You slowly, carefully, extracted yourself from his arms, climbing out of the bed before beginning to pace quietly back and forth across the room, your bare feet making soft pitter patter noises on the cold floor.

You had successfully identified the person who had a piece of the map to Luke Skywalker, who you weren't  _ entirely _ sure even existed. Both Hux and Kylo were incredibly pleased with your discovery and began to make plans to attack the Resistance base and retrieve the old Rebel.

You weren't sure what the First Order was planning on doing with the map, but you were almost positive that it involved killing Skywalker, and probably taking out as many Resistance members as possible. Though you had never interacted with members of the Resistance, other than the man that shot you but you refused to kill, you found yourself desperately trying to come up with ways to keep them safe, to keep Kylo and Hux from wiping them out.

You could tell that Kylo sensed your hesitancy to plan attacks on the Resistance, but as far as you could tell, he hadn't ratted you out to Snoke.  _ Yet. _

You knew that  _ both _ the Resistance and the First Order were responsible for a good deal of death and destruction, but after that first attack on the neutral base, after seeing the number of people killed and seeing the innocent bystanders in your nightmares, you felt disgusted and terrified by your role in the First Order...

You stopped dead as Kylo rolled over in bed, afraid that he could sense what you were thinking, but he continued sleeping, his features soft and relaxed. 

You stared at his face, fighting the urge to climb back into bed and kiss every little dot on his face, to trace the little scars and marks on his skin.

Somehow, you had managed to forgive Kylo for taking you away from your family and you let him guide you, train you in combat and the ways of the Force. For whatever reason, you didn't even associate Kylo with the First Order, though you knew that he was responsible for so much death and destruction. As you continued to keep your own thoughts and feelings hidden from him, Kylo slowly, unknowingly, opened himself up to you.

You had been able to see past his harsh exterior, despite how hard he pushed you. Since he came back from his solo mission, he had refused to let you sleep alone in your quarters, insisting that you slept with him. You always managed to sleep through  _ his  _ nightmares, but he never failed to wake you from yours, holding you against his chest until you fell back to sleep. He pushed you physically, but he seemingly stopped trying to force his way into your mind, giving you a small sense of privacy.

To be fair, against his knowledge, you had built a wall in your mind, making it almost impossible for him to sense your thoughts of disloyalty. You let him see the begrudging affection you had for him, though he never brought it up, seeming to be afraid to have deeper conversations with you. 

You  _ knew _ what he expected of you, you knew he wanted you to blindly follow him and the First Order, to slaughter people without any second thoughts, to use you growing power against their enemies. But deep down  _ you _ knew you couldn't. You sensed that Kylo knew that your powers had grown significantly, but you still chose to let him use his strength over you, even though you were quite sure you were both an equal match by now.

In every meeting you had attended with Kylo and Hux, planning the attack on the Resistance base, you sat silently, nodding along to their ideas, trying to keep your terrified thoughts at bay.

You knew by now that you  _ could _ escape if you really tried, flee the First Order and never look back. But something,  _ someone _ rather, kept you tied there, making you constantly feel conflicted, making you  _ not _ want to leave:  _ Kylo. _

You looked over at him sleeping peacefully in his bed, his lips parted open slightly, his soft, dark hair framing his face. In sleep, Kylo wasn't a fierce warrior but just another man, albeit, an incredibly  _ attractive _ man.

Since you had decided to forgive him, your attraction, your  _ affection _ for him had continued to grow, making it difficult for you to see him simply as your teacher, your master. And in many ways, Kylo treated you less like a student, and more like a companion, like you were more than a fuck buddy, like a fucking  _ girlfriend _ almost.

As much as you liked this new, well,  _ relationship _ , you still chose to pick fights with Kylo just so you could have aggressive makeup sex afterwards. But now, along with that came soft apologies and cuddling.

He had slowly started calling you by your given name, Slona, less and less, instead using whatever little pet names popped into his head. You constantly felt yourself fighting off a smile when he called you ' _ little one',  _ trying to remind yourself of what your place was but you simply  _ couldn't _ .

You sighed softly and sat on the cold stone floor, letting it sting your bare legs. You rested your head in your hands, trying to clear your mind, trying to figure out what you were supposed to do next.

As your confliction grew, you found yourself having dreams of the Resistance, constantly seeing their general who you had identified as General Organa. These dreams were so much different from your nightmares, leaving you in a state of calm instead of fear. These dreams  _ somehow _ showed you what the Resistance was fighting for: peace.

Part of you desperately wanted to abandon the First Order and blindly join the Resistance, but Kylo was  _ here _ . The First Order didn't feel like home, but Kylo sure as fuck did.

Chewing your thumb, you pulled yourself off the floor and slowly made your way back to the bed, trying not to wake Kylo as you snuggled underneath the blankets, inching your way nearer to him.

His eyes fluttered slightly as you rested your head on your arm, staring into his face, trying to memorize every inch of it.

"Good morning, little one."


	17. Part of the Plan

Kylo softly rubbed his eyes before looking at you and grinning slightly.

"Good morning to you too, Commander,"

He dragged you close to him and placed a kiss on your forehead.

"You didn't sleep much, did you,"

You shook your head 'no' against his chest.

"Nah, I just like being up early."

He pinched your thigh and slowly sat up.

"Now, I know  _ that _ isn't true,"

You rolled your eyes and pushed him on his back, straddling his waist. With your hands on his chest, you bent over and placed a kiss on his lips, his large fingers grasping at your hips.

Most mornings ended up starting like this one: with lots of teasing and sexual energy. Unfortunately, there was  _ always _ business to attend to.

"We have a meeting with General Hux in a hour,"

You groaned and slouched against him.

"Do I  _ have _ to go? You know I don't do anything anyway,"

He placed a kiss on top of your head, rubbing your back gently.

"If  _ I _ have to go, then you do too,"

Groaning once again in disgust, you climbed off of him and grabbed the clothes off the floor that looked least dirty, watching Kylo's muscular frame stretching as he yawned.

For days now, Kylo had been like this with you: playful, gentle, teasing. At first you thought it was because he felt bad for being gone for days at a time, but you quickly realized he was trying to get you to let your guard down, to see what you were  _ actually _ thinking.

This proved to be unsuccessful. You could sense his frustration when he tried to see inside your mind but couldn't. He never brought it up, but you knew that  _ he _ knew you were keeping something from him.

"Care to join me in the shower?" He called over his shoulder from the bathroom doorway.

"How could I resist?" 

__________________________

"Due to unfortunate damage to a large number of our ships and soldiers, we will be unable to attack the Resistance base for at  _ least _ a week."

General Hux's tone sounded incredibly irritable as he delivered the news, no doubt upset that he couldn't massacre innocent people sooner.

You recently realized that you hated Hux more than you ever disliked Kylo and often spent your time daydreaming during these meetings about ways to kill him.

"Slona,"

You jumped as he addressed you, meeting his eyes.

"Are you  _ quite _ sure that the Rebel is still on the base?"

You rolled your eyes at him.

"Trust me, I wouldn't be sitting on the hard ass floor everyday checking in on the base with my fucking  _ mind  _ if he wasn't."

At this point, Kylo ensured that you were using your power  _ at least _ once a day to check in on the base, making sure that their precious map was still with him.

Kylo kicked you underneath the table, most likely annoyed by your disrespectful response. You fought the urge to roll your eyes, and smiled at him sweetly. Kylo pretended it wasn't true, but really, you could get away with whatever you wanted in his presence.  _ Except leaving the First Order. _

_ " _ Despite this setback," Hux glared at you and you could sense that he returned the feelings you had for him. "The plan remains the same: Slona and several disguised Storm Troopers will enter the base and lure out the Rebel. Then-"

"Remind me why we have to  _ 'lure him out'  _ again?"

Hux sighed and rubbed his temples aggressively, looking like he wanted to slam his head against the meeting table.

"We went over this  _ so many _ times,"

"The base is heavily guarded and armored," Kylo faced you raising his eyebrows. "With our weakened resources, we don't want to risk being taken out before finding the Rebel."

You winked at Kylo.  _ Of course  _ you remembered why you were being disguised, but you just  _ loved _ to piss off Hux.

"Ren, are you quite  _ sure _ we can trust your little student?"

Hux leaned forward into the table, making his face closer to yours. "I'm sure we all remember what happened in the last mission," Hux smirked at your annoyed expression. "I'm sure we all remember her  _ failure _ ?"

_ What an asshole. _

"I have confidence in her abilities, as should you  _ General _ ." Kylo glanced at you before glaring threateningly at Hux. "I trust her."

You fiddled with your fingers under the table, trying to hide your discomfort at his words.

For weeks now, you had been dreading the mission, knowing what you were expected to do. Hux and Kylo always spoke of the Resistance members as if they were scum, as if they weren't people. But you had seen a different side of them every night in your 'good' dreams, the ones that didn't end with you screaming. Sometimes you woke from those dreams and had to fight the urge to cry. You  _ longed _ to help them, be with them, join them...

You looked up as Kylo and Hux rose from their seats, quickly jumping to your feet to join them.

"I expect you to keep an eye on the old Rebel until the mission," Hux sneered at you and you returned the distaste.

"Yes  _ sir _ ."

As Hux turned to walk out of the room, you flicked your wrist and the door slammed shut in his face, forcing him to smash into it.

Hux hurriedly turned towards you, looking back and forth between you and Kylo, silently asking Kylo if he could punish you.

Without a word, Kylo nodded and Hux was shoved by an invisible force, away from the door. Kylo opened the door and stood in the hallway, gesturing for you to follow him. You smirked at Hux as you walked past, ignoring his furious face, his cheeks almost as red as his hair.

You followed Kylo through the base, nodding at people as they acknowledged the two of you walking by.

"You really shouldn't antagonize him, he  _ is _ your superior."

You snorted. "I could say the same to you,"

Kylo whipped around to face you, his face now hidden by his mask.

"He is  _ not _ my superior," his tone was dangerous, so you held up your hands in surrender.

"Ok, ok, got it."

Kylo trudged ahead of you, leaving you to trail after him, smiling to yourself. You waved excitedly as you passed the medbay, catching Dr. Canmore's eye though the window.

When you had free time, as little as it was, you found yourself wandering into the medbay to talk to Dr. Canmore. Though you never told him how you were feeling, let's be honest you didn't tell  _ anyone _ how you were feeling anymore, you felt that he understood you.

You tore yourself away from your thoughts as you drew near the training room, stepping past Kylo and into the room.

You sighed as you plopped yourself onto the floor, preparing yourself to mentally check in on the Resistance base yet again. As usual, Kylo stood a little bit away from you, leaning against the mirrored wall. You snuck a peak at him when you heard the hissing sound of his helmet but quickly snapped your eyes shut.

"Know what your looking for?"

An annoyed noise escaped your lips.

"I've done this a hundred times by now, of course I do."

You relaxed your body, reaching outside of yourself and outside of the room. You focused on the feelings you had during your 'good dreams', searching for the people you saw in them. Same as always, you saw the Rebel in the camp, surrounded by other Resistance members. You lingered in the place in your mind for a second longer before your eyes snapped open, smiling faces still dancing in the front of your mind.

Kylo raised an eyebrow at you. "Well?"

You sighed. "Still there."

You clambered to your feet and readjusted your clothes before walking towards Kylo, his expression making him look far away.

"Kylo, you ok?"

You placed a hand on his chest and he looked down at you, searching your eyes.

"I  _ still _ don't understand how you can see them, how you're able to connect with them."

Your eyes darted away from him for a second before plastering a fake smile on your face, shrugging, sensing suspicion rolling off of him.


	18. Honest Conversations

Kylo stepped towards you, his eyes narrowed. You dropped your hand from his chest, slowly backing away from him.

"Tell me, why are you able to connect with them so easily?"

You rolled your eyes and laughed nervously.

"Come on, Kylo, I've told you, I'm not really sure  _ why _ I can do it, I just can."

His gaze remained fixed on you as he stood closer, slowly backing you into the wall at the opposite end of the room.

"I'm not playing this little  _ game _ with you any longer,"

You could feel the energy between you completely change: the playfulness, the affection, slowly evaporated. Just as you thought it would, Kylo's affectionate attitude finally disappeared.

"What game?" You stared up at him innocently, quickly trying to block off your mind to him.

"You're hiding something, from the First Order, from  _ me _ ." He stood incredibly close to you, his hands placed on the wall on either side of your head, making it difficult for you to escape.

"You have nothing to be concerned about," your eyes darted away from him, trying to ignore your accelerated heart rate.

He took hold of your chin, forcing you to look at him.

"You pledged yourself to the First Order,"

"I pledged myself to  _ you _ ," you shot back at him.

He leaned forward, his voice deadly quiet.

"I expect you to obey orders," his fingers still held your chin tightly. "If you compromise yet another mission, the Supreme Leader will  _ not _ hesitate to have you terminated."

Your lips quivered slightly, trying your best to control your anger.

"And I-" he stared at you intensely, his voice barely more than a whisper. "I won't defend you again."

Your anger suddenly bubbled over the edge, and you extended your hand, forcing Kylo's body to shoot away from you. You stood with your hand outstretched as he crashed into the mirrored wall, your chest rising and falling heavily.

With one last glare at him, you exited the training room. 

__________________________

Dr. Canmore appeared out of no where as soon as you entered the medbay.

"Are you busy?"

He smiled slightly at you, holding up a stack of documents.

"Just paperwork, but I can multitask."

He gestured for you to follow him and he lead you to a private corner of the room. He sat down at a desk and began sorting through the files and nodded for you to sit.

You plopped down on one of the nearby hospital beds, lying sideways across it so that your head dangled over the edge.

"So, what's your issue today?"

You rolled your eyes at him.

"You know I never answer that question honestly,"

"And yet I ask it anyway."

You groaned and rubbed your temple with your fingers aggressively, enjoying the feeling of the blood rushing to your head.

"Ok, so you know I never talk to you about personal stuff,"

Dr. Canmore nodded absentmindedly, not looking up from his work.

"But I think I might explode if I keep everything to myself any longer."

He glanced up and chuckled softly.

"I'm going to assume this has to do with your  _ relationship _ with the Commander?"

You put your hands over your eyes, nodding begrudgingly.

"I'm sure you know how he his, he's an asshole, right?"

Dr. Canmore shrugged; you sensed the apprehension rolling off him, probably worried about some sort of punishment if he agreed to you.

"Well, he's actually been, well,  _ nice _ , to me recently," you peaked through your fingers, seeing that Dr. Canmore was watching you.

"But of course I knew that couldn't last. Now he's back to being a jerk."

"And this surprises you?"

You uncovered your face and glared at him.

"No, of course it doesn't  _ surprise me _ ,"

You sat up, watching him continue his work.

"To be honest, I don't think this is what's bothering you," he looked up at you, his brow slightly furrowed.

You looked down at your hands, picking at your fingers nervously.

"Yeah, you're probably right."

He sighed and turned in his chair to face you, neglecting his work.

"I think it's something you're afraid to say out loud, something  _ way _ deeper than your relationship with the Commander."

You brought one of your fingers to your mouth, chewing the skin around your nail. Your eyes met his and saw the genuine concern in them. Maintaining eye contact, you slowly nodded at him.

"You could tell me," he whispered, leaning towards you.

You quickly shook your head.

"No," you whispered back. "No one can know."

He leaned back in his chair again, sighing before turning back to his work.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"If you quit that  _ terrible _ habit,"

You dropped your fingers from your mouth, remembering one of his past lectures.

"How do you know if you're doing what's right?"

You blurted out the question, not entirely sure what answer he would give.

He turned in the chair to face you again.

"Well, that depends on what you consider to be right and wrong." He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees.

"Like, I mean, what if there's a 'right side' and a 'wrong side' and, um, theoretically,  _ I'm _ on the wrong one?"

You refused to make eye contact with him, but you you could feel him watching you.

"Slona,"

He stood up and sat on the bed next to you while you looked at the ground.

"You have to trust yourself, trust your gut."

You looked up and met his green eyes, silently trying to tell him what you were thinking, trying to show him all the conflicted thoughts you've been dealing with.

"What happens next is all up to you," he smiled at you knowingly. "You just have to figure out what's right."

A single tear made its way down your cheek as you launched yourself at him, pulling him into a hug.

He sat stiffly in your arms out of surprise but slowly wrapped his arms around you, giving you a hug that reminded you of your father's.

"Thank you," you whispered into his hospital uniform, trying to ignore the feeling that this was the last time you were going to see him.

He gave you one last smile as you pulled away from him, standing up to go back to his paperwork.

As you walked towards the door, he called after you one last time.

"Remember,  _ trust yourself." _


	19. One Thing Hasn't Changed

After leaving the medbay, you wandered around Starkiller Base for hours, avoiding interacting with anyone, thinking to yourself. You reflected on your conversation with Dr. Canmore, trying to figure out what your next move was going to be.

Your fight with Kylo kept playing over and over in your mind, almost making yourself sick just thinking about it. You finally realized that Kylo was the only thing keeping you tied to the First Order, and honestly, he was the only thing that tied you to  _ everything. _

It had been months since you were taken from your family and weeks since you had let them go, their memory no longer taking up space in your mind. You despised the First Order and everything that they stood for, everything that they did. And though you were emotionally connected to the Resistance, you had no real relationships in their organization; you knew that they either didn't know you existed or only associated you with the First Order, not knowing that you were desperately trying to find a way to help them.

All at once, everything that you had been trying to push away, all of the feelings you were trying to hide, made their way to the surface and you  _ knew  _ what you were being called to do:  _ the right thing. _

As stupid and cliche as you thought it sounded, you sensed that you were being called to do the 'right thing', the Force drawing you to the light.

You stopped in your tracks, right in the middle of the empty, cold, metallic hallway.

Despite your discovery, your self-actualization, you felt even more miserable than you ever had. You knew what you would have to do to follow this calling.

_ No, no, no, no, no, I can't, I can't do it. _

You turned on your heel and raced through the hallways, making your way through the silent, empty base as fast as you could.

You stopped outside of Kylo's quarters, breathing heavily, sweat sticking little pieces of hair to your face. Taking a deep breath, you pushed the button to open the door, stepping hesitantly inside, wildly looking around for him.

You slowly made your way to his bedroom but stopped in the doorway. Kylo was sitting on the far edge of the bed, his back to you. Your heart continued beating quickly, adrenaline and fear pumping through your bloodstream.

"Kylo?"

He whipped around in response to your voice, his expression dark, unreadable. He got up from the bed, slowly making his way towards you.

"I know you're probably still mad at me," you stared at him desperately as you spoke, keeping your eyes on his as he walked towards you. "I know you-you probably don't trust me now, but I  _ need _ you."

Tears welled in your eyes, making Kylo appear slightly blurry.

" _ Please _ , I need you right now."

He stood in front of you, taking your face in his hands as he stared down at you.

"I need you to tell me,"

You gazed up at him, not understanding what he wanted. He ran his thumb over your parted bottom lip, tracing its shape.

"What you've been hiding, you have to tell me."

You tore your eyes away from his, tears starting to slip from them.

"Please, I don't want to do this right now, I  _ can't _ do this right now."

You reached one of your hands toward his face but he caught it with his own, holding both of your wrists tightly in his.

"Then I need you to pledge yourself to the First Order, to me, promise that this is still where your loyalty lies."

You stared up at him, your mouth opening and closing nervously.

"Kylo, I-"

He quickly picked you up by the waist, carrying you over to the bed before dropping you on it. Before you could do anything, he climbed on the bed and knelt over you, his knees straddling your waist, his hands holding your wrists above your head.

He leaned forward, his lips brushing against your ear.

_ "Promise me," _

You struggled underneath him, trying to rip yourself free from his grasp.

"Kylo, I've told you before, my loyalty lies with you."

"I'm not sure we both have the same understanding of what  _ loyalty _ is."

You met his eyes, holding his stare, not ceasing your struggle underneath him.

"No, I'm not sure that we do."

His eyes narrowed as he looked at you. You could almost see the gears turning in his mind, trying to see into yours.

Shifting his grip on your hands to hold them in one of his own, he pressed more of his weight onto you, pinning you beneath him. Squeezing his eyes shut, he held a hand in front of your face.

Immediately, pressure began to fill your head, making your skin feel like it was threatening to split open. You furiously stared into his face, trying to strengthen the barrier you had built in your mind.

Kylo's face was screwed up with concentration as he focused, his eyes popping open to look into yours. You stared at each other intensely as he tried to break into your mind, to try and expose everything you have been hiding from him.

A soft scream escaped your lips as he pushed farther, trying to force his way into your mind. You grit your teeth, staring up at him, daring him to keep going.

With a frustrated yell, Kylo pulled his hand from your face before climbing off the bed, leaving you panting and with your head aching.

You sat up slowly, watching him pace back and forth across the room, his hands balled furiously into fists, face contorted with anger.

"What the  _ fuck _ could you possibly be hiding that is so  _ important _ for you to protect?"

You could feel the heat radiating off of him, not only sensing anger, but hurt. You got off the bed, hesitantly walking towards him.

"Kylo,"

You gently placed a hand on his shoulder, urging his to face you. His eyes met yours, emotion pooling in his deep brown eyes.

You took his face in your hands, holding onto him desperately, trying to find the right words.

"I think- I think you know that something's changed,"

One of your hands left his face and ran through his hair, waves rippling between your fingers.

"And I think you know that I can't tell you what it is."

His eyes shifted away from yours and he started to pull away from you but you clasped his shoulders, forcing him to listen to you.

" _ But _ \- Kylo, look at me,"

His eyes slowly softened as he looked at you, eating up your words.

"One thing hasn't changed,"

You hesitantly rose to your tip toes and placed a kiss on his lips.

"My feelings for you, I don't even think I could change them if I wanted to."

You smiled up at him, your eyes wide, hoping that he understood. One of his hands slipped around your waist, pulling you closer to him while the other cupped your face.

Without a word, he leaned towards you and gave you the softest of kisses, holding you against him as if he thought you'd disappear.


	20. One Word

Kylo slowly broke the kiss, one hand still holding you close to him by the waist while the other began to trace the scar across your cheek. His finger trailed across the scar, traveling further down to your collarbone, making goosebumps pop up on your skin.

You stared into his eyes, trying to tell him everything while also protecting your dangerous thoughts. His pupils dilated as he looked at you, eyes filled with emotion, desperately trying to understand.

"Something," his voice cracked with emotion, his eyes darting away from yours as if he was embarrassed. "Something's about to happen, I can sense it."

You slowly extracted yourself from his embrace, turning your back to him and rubbing your eyes. 

"Slona,"

He grabbed you by the wrist, wrenching you around to face him.

"What are you about to do?"

You refused to meet his gaze, eyes looking everywhere but at him.

He harshly took hold of your chin,  _ forcing _ you to look at him.

"Listen, it doesn't matter right now. Let's just," you stared up at him, noticing anger slowly reach his eyes. "Let's just pretend we never talked about this, that everything's the same as it was."

He glared at you as his fingers began to dig into your skin. You broke eye contact again, slowly beginning to panic.  _ What if he knows? _

His eyes immediately narrowed at you,  _ finally _ sensing your subconscious plan, the plan that you hadn't even realized yourself yet.

For a second time that night, he picked you up and harshly threw you onto the bed. He stared down at you and pinned you to the mattress with the Force as you started to get up.

"You're going to try and leave the First Order," he spat at you, seeming to try very hard not to hurt you. " _ Aren't you?" _

You swallowed hard, watching him warily as he stood over you.

"N-no,". You said quickly, watching rage take over his expression. "Kylo, n-no I'm not-"

He lunged at you suddenly, wrapping his hand tightly around your throat. You gasped against his hold, your body twisting and fighting beneath him.

" _ I knew it," _ his lips trembled with fury, his fingers tightening around your neck, threatening to crush it. Your eyes began to flutter shut, your body struggling from the lack of oxygen.

Just as you thought you might pass out, he released his grasp and climbed off of you. Not even giving you a chance to catch your breath, he pulled you off the bed and to your feet, making you stumble and fall against him.

He held you against him tightly, his chest rising and falling quickly as he glared furiously down at you. You closed your eyes as you caught your breath, trying to leave your own mind and see into his.

In his emotional state, Kylo's mind seemed to be weakened, making it easy for you to break in. You could see in his mind what he thought your plan was: leave the First Order and join the Resistance.

Keeping your eyes closed, you chewed your lip, finally admitting to yourself that this  _ was _ the plan you had subconsciously created. But you knew that Kylo was holding you back.

Making sure to mentally close yourself off to him, you opened your eyes and met his, surprised to see angry tears forming in the corners. You reached up to brush a tear from his cheek but he pulled away, turning his back to you.

"This plan of yours," his hands balled in and out of fists and he continued to face away from you. "It won't work, I-I won't allow it."

You folded your arms across your chests and looked down at your feet, wiggling your toes inside of your combat boots.

Your mind was racing, one part of you begging you to follow through with your plan while the other desperately wanted you to stay.  _ Stay with Kylo. _

He sharply turned towards you, trudged forward, and held your shoulders firmly in his large hands. He stared at you with his intense brown eyes, making you feel as if they were the only thing that mattered, like he was the only thing in the universe. The single word the kept repeating in your mind was present in his gaze:  _ stay. _

"Kylo, I-"

Before you could say anything else, Kylo crushed your lips with his, his tongue immediately forcing its way in, claiming your mouth. He slowly pushed you towards the bed, not breaking the kiss, a single word present on his lips:  _ stay. _

Pulling away suddenly, Kylo ripped your shirt over your head before stepping behind you and unclasping your bra. He pulled you against his chest, his hand inching its way towards your breast. A soft moan escaped your lips as his digits kneaded your nipples, rolling them between his calloused finger tips. As his fingers traced your skin and made their way down your stomach, a single word emerged and stained your skin:  _ stay. _

He stood in front of you again and slipped your shorts and panties off your hips. When he stepped back to pull off his own shirt, you stepped out of your clothes and made your way to the bed. You sat on the edge and watched him unfasten his belt and pull of his pants, standing in front of you in just boxers.

Your head was spinning as he walked towards you, getting lost in his eyes as he stared at you intensely once again. He straddled you on the bed and began kissing down your body, starting at the end of the scar on your collarbone and finishing on each of you hip bones.

His fingers slipped down between your legs, teasing you as he looked into your eyes, making sure you didn't close them. You bit your lip as he slipped between your folds, holding back a moan.

He silently continued pleasing you, his fingers swirling around your clit. You tried your hardest to match his silence, but moans continued to force their way out. You quickly began to approach your climax but you pushed his hand hand away, not wanting to finish yet. Kylo looked at you in surprise, but still said nothing.

Without a word, Kylo released his member from his boxers, before positioning himself at your entrance. Ever so slowly, he gently plunged into you, opening you up with gentle thrusts. Your mind reeled at the sensation, surprised he was being so gentle after your fight.

Your nails dug into his back slightly as his movements quickened, no longer able to restrain himself. Without any warning, Kylo increased his pace dramatically, slamming his hips into yours. You yelped, but he continued, his thrusts becoming impossibly faster.

Kylo's hand made its way around your neck, making you look up at him.

"You're  _ mine _ ," he grunted, trying to hold himself together as he mercilessly pummeled your cunt.

"Kylo-" you stared up at him, feeling slightly scared by the wild look in his eyes.

" _ You are mine _ , I want you to say it."

Your body rocked with each of his thrusts, making you struggle with your reply.

"Kylo, wait-"

A moan escaped your constricted throat as his fingers began swirling around your clit again.

" _ Say it,"  _ he held back his own moans as he began to reach his climax.

The pressure at your clit increased, a strangled cry escaping you as you tried to cling to reality. He pumped into you one last time as he finished and you came around him, both of you reaching orgasm at the same time.

His hand gently rested on your throat as both of your breathing slowed, still gazing into each others eyes. Silently, he begged you one last time to say it.

" _ I'm yours, _ " you whispered, tears slipping down your face.

Kylo slipped out of you and rolled onto his side. He said nothing as he took hold of your hips and pulled you against him. Sweat began to build in between your back and his chest, but you stayed in his embrace, desperately trying to hold onto this moment.

As you slowly fell asleep against him, a single word echoed over and over again in both of your minds.

_ Stay. _


	21. It's So Bittersweet

You woke up feeling insufferably hot, still trapped in Kylo's suffocating embrace. His arms were wrapped tightly around your waist, his bare chest pressed to your back.

You lay still against him, feeling his warm breath against your neck. As hot and uncomfortable as you were, you were unwilling to leave his side, wanting to feel as close to him as possible.

Though he was sleeping, you could easily see inside his mind, sense his feelings. With little effort, you saw the brokenness and the hurt that sat in the front of his mind and the agonizing fear of you leaving.

If you decided to  _ stay _ , as he had silently, desperately pleaded with you to, you knew that your relationship would suffer, the memory of your fight driving a wedge between you.

Slowly, carefully, silently, you rolled in Kylo's arms to face him, look into his face. A soft smile crept to your face as you looked at him, tracing a finger along his prefect skin, memorizing every inch of it.

With a heavy heart, you closed your eyes and placed your hand faintly on his cheek. You looked into his mind again, focusing on the pain of what happened hours before, the discovery of your plan, and your betrayal.

Leaving your hand on his face, you imagined collecting those memories and holding them in your fist, pulling them away from his mind. Taking advantage of your growing power in the Force and Kylo's weakened emotional state, you were able to remove all the pain that sat in his mind, making it seem (at least to him) that everything that had taken place that night never happened. 

Once you were quite sure Kylo would have no recollection of anything, you twisted yourself back around in his arms and rested the back of your head on his chest.

You held tightly to Kylo's arms, holding them against you. You took deep breaths, trying to calm your mind, lose yourself in his embrace.

You knew for certain now that you wanted to join the Resistance, to leave your life in the First Order behind. _But_ _still,_ Kylo was holding you back, making the thought of you leaving sound unthinkable, _impossible_.

If only there was a way for you to convince him to leave with you, to leave behind all of the pain and destruction that connected him to the First Order, to start a new life.  _ With you. _

As you lay next to him, you began to imagine a life with Kylo, a life away from all the suffering you both had experienced. Where you could live happily, spending every morning in bed together before leaving for another adventure.

You pictured Kylo smiling,  _ really _ smiling, something you'd never actually seen, having never been able to get anything more than a smirk or a grimace from him.

You imagined what his laugh would sound like, how he would behave if he were truly happy, how he would act if...  _ if he were in love. _

Images of Kylo flashed in your mind, seeing him do and say things you'd never seen him do in real life. You saw him smiling deeply at you, saw him cradling you to his chest, looking like the happiest man in the world.

The sound of Kylo muttering in his sleep tore you from this daydream, ripping you back to reality. You once again flipped over to face him, pushing a small piece of hair that had fallen over his nose off of his face.

You stared at him, taking in this broken man who sought you out, who secretly wanted your affection, your  _ love _ .

Tears began welling in your eyes ( _ big surprise)  _ as you looked at him, desperately wanting to fix his brokenness, wanting him to help you fix your own. More than anything, you wanted the two of you to become inseparable, to open yourselves up to each other entirely, to live your lives as one spirit, indescribably happy.

You cupped his face with your hand again, your thumb running over his bottom lip. Soft sighs escaped him, making the little pieces of hair that rested on his face flutter. You smiled at him, loving the way that he looked while he was sleepy, loving how soft and innocent he looked.

You found yourself wondering if Kylo ever looked at you the way you looked at him, wondering if he returned the intense affection you had for him, wondering if he ever looked at you like you were the only thing in the universe. . .

"Slona?"

Your eyes fluttered open, realizing that you had begun to doze off.

"Kylo,"

He smiled at you ever so slightly, confirming that he had no memory of what had happened hours before.

"Go back to sleep, little one."

You nestled closer to him, resting your forehead on his chest, tossing your leg over his thigh, making you both impossibly close. One of Kylo's hands rested on your hip, the other lightly running through your hair.

You let out one last deep breath as you fell back to sleep, hopelessly trying to forget everything that happened too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *alright, get ready babes because the next chapter is going to be from Kylo's point of view*


	22. In His Feelings

Kylo held you tighter to him as you fell back to sleep in his arms, no longer feeling tired himself.

As he lay awake in bed with you curled up against him, his mind felt fuzzy, like there was something that he was supposed to remember but couldn't. The recent interactions the two of you had blurred together, making the topics of conversations difficult to identify.

Kylo had sensed a change in you recently, noticing how you closed yourself off to him, making it difficult for him to see into your mind. He begrudgingly realized that your powers in the Force had grown,  _ almost _ matching his own. 

Physically, you were still weaker than him, honestly, it would be almost impossible for you to be stronger than him, he was built like a literal  _ tree _ , like a wall, rippling with strength and muscles.

But in many ways, you were capable of so much, your mind was so incredibly strong, your passion driving you.

And he hated to admit it: your growing confidence and strength made him feel like you no longer needed him. 

He ran his fingers absentmindedly through your hair, reminding himself that you were still there, that you were still with him. He gently nuzzled his face into your neck, breathing in your scent, trying to memorize it, hold on to your memory.

Sighing, he slowly, quietly pulled away from you and climbed out of bed, wanting to make sure you stayed asleep. He stretched slightly before starting to pace back and forth across the bedroom, occasionally stealing a glimpse at your soft, sleeping face.

The past few weeks had almost made Kylo feel like he was living a different life, like his life  _ didn't _ revolve around The First Order. The time he got to spend with you, the moments you two shared helped him relax, helped him to distract himself from his duties.

Since Kylo talked to Snoke about your  _ suspicious _ thoughts, Kylo had decided to ignore the fact that you seemed to be keeping secrets from him, trying to convince himself that pledging yourself to him was enough.

But deep down, he knew that what seemed to be  _ dedication _ was just a ruse meant to throw him of your track. He felt like he was close to breaking into your mind, like the secret plan you were forming was just  _ waiting _ to slip out, but as much as he wanted to, he couldn't bring himself to rip it from you, to  _ break _ you.

That had been his plan from the beginning:  _ break you.  _ From the first time he saw you to every little sarcastic,  _ annoying _ comment you made, he had wanted to own you, destroy you, completely strip you of who you were and what your past was.

He looked over at you sleeping, watching your chest rise and fall softly, a little bit of drool dribbling from your parted lips, your hair fanned out on the pillow around your head.

He had desperately wanted to shatter you, until he saw you like this. It was in little moments like these that he couldn't bring himself to destroy you, to turn you into  _ him _ .

As aggravating as your spiteful comments and behaviors were, your secret, soft demeanor always showed through. You treated everyone and everything, well,  _ except _ for General Hux, like their life and being was precious, like it had to be saved. 

Watching you refuse to kill that Resistance member had disgusted him, forcing to take matters into his own hands and kill him himself. But part of him had watched you in awe, surprised by your kindness, by your emotion.

But that awe would disappear when Kylo caught you looking at  _ him _ like that, like he was a lost soul that you wanted to save, to protect.

You had stopped bringing up Kylo's past, noticing his reluctance to share and his outbursts when you pushed him. But Kylo sensed that you  _ knew _ somehow, that you knew who and what he was before, the man he used to be. 

And that made him hate you, just the littlest bit.

So, when he thought that you were looking at him like he needed help, like he was  _ weak,  _ Kylo would make sure to put you back into your place, to dominate you.

And of course,  _ that's _ where all the sex came in, to serve as a reminder of his brutality, of his strength, to remind you that you were  _ his _ . Something about the way you defied him, holding on to your stubbornness, was so incredibly  _ attractive _ , making you difficult for Kylo to resist. 

But despite this need to dominate you, Kylo couldn't help but let himself go soft, just a tiny bit. He loved the way you curled up against his chest, the way you traced his skin, the way you looked at him, as much as he hated to admit it.

Whether you noticed it or not, Kylo looked at you the same way. While training, you often distracted him, the shape of your body and the feeling of your skin making it difficult for Kylo to focus. The way you rolled your eyes, pouted your lips, and placed your hands on your hips, made Kylo want to slam you into a wall and fuck you right then and there.

And when you weren't being a little  _ brat _ , he liked to watch you talking to that doctor in the medbay, often fighting jealous feelings when he saw you smiling and laughing. 

Kylo loved it when you would tease him and crack jokes, like both of your lives didn't revolve around war and killing people.

He looked over at you sleeping again and sighed, cursing himself for letting you get to him.

Kylo sensed that something was about to change, feeling that something huge was about to take place. And what was frustrating was that he couldn't seem to figure out what  _ it _ was.

He spent long period of time when he wasn't in meetings or training with you just sitting on the floor, trying desperately to get a glimpse of the events that were about to take place, a shadow of the future.

Though he wasn't sure what was going to happen, Kylo  _ did _ know that it involved  _ you _ .

He sat on the edge of the bed and softly ran a finger over your bare skin, calming himself.

Kylo would do  _ almost _ anything for The First Order, but swearing on the fucking stars, Kylo would do absolutely anything for you.

_ His little one.  _


	23. It's Time

_ A sense of calm came over you as you visited the Resistance base in your sleep. You watched them interacting with each other, that familiar longing rising inside of you. _

_ A voice ripped you from your thoughts, and you recognized General Organa, making her way through the camp. _

_ "Prepare yourselves," she called out, looking into each persons face, acknowledging them as she went. _

_ You watched her with fascination, obsessed with the feeling she left you with. _

_ "We leave in a few hours time." _

_ Panic set in as you watched them scramble, starting to pack up their stuff. _

_ They're leaving. They're leaving with the map, what am I supposed to do? The First Order, they're- _

You sat straight up in bed, your head spinning, your heart rate accelerated. Kylo looked up from his seat on the floor, jumping to his feet when he saw your anxious, panicked expression.

"They're leaving,"

Kylo knelt on the bed in front of you, his hands holding your face, trying to calm you down.

"The Resistance, they're leaving their base."

Kylo quickly pulled away, his brow furrowed, panic starting to dig its claws in him as well.

"You saw this? When? Where are they going?"

You clambered off the bed, quickly collecting clothes off the floor.

"I don't know," you grunted as you pulled your shirt over your head. "But they're leaving today."

Kylo quickly began to pile armor over his underclothes, pulling on his boots, fastening his belt and lightsaber to his waist, and finishing with his cloak and mask.

"We need to inform Hux," Kylo started heading towards the door, glancing at you over his shoulder. "We need to leave as soon as possible."

You nearly fell over as you pulled on your pants and boots, lacing them tightly.

"But we weren't supposed to attend to this mission for another week!"

Noticing that you sounded concerned, you quickly followed after Kylo, fastening your own belt and lightsaber around your waist as you walked through the base.

"I mean, our resources are still weakened, right?"

Kylo looked over his shoulder at you as you followed after him, pulling your cloak over your head.

"That's a risk we're going to have to deal with."

His modified voice bounced off the metallic walls, making other people in the corridors shrink away from the two of you.

Kylo barged into General Hux's office with you trailing after him.

"Ren, what could possibly be so important that would make you almost break the door? Why-"

"The Resistance,"you cut Hux off, stepping around Kylo and standing in front of the desk. "They're leaving their base.  _ Today _ ,"

Hux jumped from his spot at the desk, grabbing his data pad and pushing past you before walking out the door.

"And you're just telling me this  _ now?"  _

Hux spat at you and you glared at the back of his head, wishing you could light his red hair on fire as you and Kylo followed after him.

"Excuse me,  _ sir _ , but I  _ just _ found out myself,"

Hux ignored you and continued stomping through the base, yelling orders at random employees as he went.

Just as you considered using the Force to fling Hux into a wall, Kylo took hold of your wrist, silently telling you:  _ this isn't the time. _

You rolled your eyes, but did nothing, following Hux to the military sector of the base.

Storm Troopers scrambled to attention as the three of you approached, standing with their weapons at the ready.

"We have  _ just _ been informed," Hux glanced over at you, glaring. "That the Resistance intends to leave their base  _ today _ . Despite our weakened state, we must prevent this from happening in order to obtain what we need from them."

_ Still after that precious map. _

Hux spat orders at the 'troopers and they began scrambling to prepare for departure.

"Slona,"

Hux's voice cut through you, his tone filled with distaste.

"The captain of this squadron was killed in our most recent endeavor," Hux narrowed his eyes at you and spoke slowly, as if he didn't want to say what came next. "So it is now  _ your _ responsibility to lead them today."

Hux stepped towards you, his sneering face inches from yours.

"Are you sure you can handle it, hmm? Or are you going to order them not to kill any of the Resistance, like  _ you _ were unable to do?"

You glared at the floor, flinching slightly as one of his fingers tilted your chin up to look at him.

"I hope you know that at _any_ sign of betrayal," Hux's voice was deadly quiet, disgust filling you as his breath lingered on your face. "My men will not hesitate to _eliminate_ _you_."

You shoved Hux away from you, almost slamming him to the floor. Silently, you focused on gripping his throat as you walked towards him again, watching him struggle not to show signs of discomfort. You imagined squeezing his neck a  _ little _ tighter and he sputtered against your invisible grasp.

"If you  _ ever _ speak to me like that again," you continued your hold on him as you stared at him threateningly. "I will not hesitate to have  _ you _ eliminated."

With that, you released him and stormed away, sensing his anger but knowing that he wouldn't do anything, at least not at the moment.

_ Luckily for me, you will  _ never _ get the chance. _

You sensed Kylo watching you, knowing that he saw what you just did and said to Hux, but he said nothing. You sighed gratefully as you followed him and the Storm Troopers onto a shuttle, glad that he was too focused on your little outburst instead of your thoughts.

You stood next to Kylo on the shuttle, holding onto one of the wall hangings to steady yourself as the ship took off. Without thinking, you began to chew on the skin around the nail on your thumb, trying to release your nervous energy.

You looked over at Kylo, desperately wanting to see his face. Knowing that everyone else in the shuttle wasn't paying attention, you nudged Kylo softly with your foot, making him look at you.

Silently you pleaded with him to take off his mask, just for a second, as you stared into the place where his eyes should be.

Sensing your unease, Kylo obliged, soft hissing sounds coming from his helmet as he removed it. 

You stepped closer, wishing you could touch him but knowing he wouldn't approve in the current situation.

He stared down at you, his eyes narrowing when he sensed your conflicting emotions. Slowly, silently, he lifted a gloved hand to your face and you leaned into it, closing your eyes, appreciating his affection.

You placed a hand on his chest, able to feel his heart beating faintly underneath all of his armor. Your eyes traveled across his face and landed on his lips, forcing you to fight the urge to stand on your tiptoes and kiss him.

You stumbled into him as the shuttle landed and you pushed aside your panic as you realized you had reached the Resistance base.

As Kylo reached for his mask to put it back on, you used the Force to stop him, giving yourself a chance to look him in the eyes for just a second longer.

Finally giving into your urge, you quickly stood on your tip toes and kissed him, trying to ignore the sound of the shuttle door opening and the Storm Troopers hastening down the ramp.

Your hand was planted around the back of his neck as you held Kylo to you, desperately trying to hold onto this moment, desperately not wanting to let go.


	24. Betrayal Doesn't Seem to be Appreciated Here

Reluctantly, you broke the kiss and straightened your clothes, preparing yourself to exit the ship. Kylo looked at you softly, his mouth opening and closing as if he wanted to say something but couldn't find the right words.

You smiled up at him sadly as he placed the helmet back on his head, wishing you could just look at him forever, just get lost in his eyes and commit every inch of his beautiful face to memory.

With a sigh, you followed him to the mouth of the ship before descending down the ramp, looking cautiously around the base. All was silent for just a single moment.

But then all hell broke loose.

At the sight of you and the Commander descending the ramp, a small group of Resistance members came running across the camp, their blasters firing in every direction. Storm Troopers began to drop left and right as you watched, feeling frozen with your hand grasping your lightsaber at your belt.

The sound of Kylo's lightsaber cutting through the air broke you out of your trance and you ignited your own weapon, easily deflecting the shots that flew at you.

"Slona!" Kylo called over to you as he effortlessly sliced someone in half. "Find the Rebel with the map." 

You began racing through the base, darting in between disheveled tents as you went, trying to avoid the bolts of heat shooting over your head. 

The further you ran, the more and more people began to follow you, wanting to stop you from reaching your unknown destination. 

"Shit!"

You tripped and fell to the ground when you felt a stinging bite at your hip.  _ Seriously? The same spot as last time? _

Three Resistance members quickly surrounded you as you rolled onto your back, pointing their blasters in your face.

"Woah woah woah, guys hold on,"

You nervously stared into each of their faces, sensing their anger towards you. You looked past a pair of feet, seeing your lightsaber just a few inches away.

"You're a  _ traitor _ ," one of the men spat at you, grinding his teeth.

"We've seen the destruction you've  _ helped _ with," another man sank down to get closer to you, his weapon inches from your face.

You pleadingly looked up at the other two, noticing that the woman was looking at you curiously.

"Listen, guys, first I'd like to say: I was never in the Resistance in the first place." you sat up slowly, trying to avoid getting a gun shoved into your eye. "And I know you don't trust me, not even a little bit, like not even at all, like you guys totally-"

"Just spit it out," the woman rolled her eyes at you, looking annoyed with your sputtering.

"Ok, ok, fine. Listen: The First Order, they want the map, the one that leads to Skywalker,"

The three of them looked at each other and then back at you, seeming to be listening intently.

"They won't even  _ think _ about hesitating to wipe out each and every one of you right now if they think they'll be able to get ahold of the map."

The sounds of screams in the distance we're becoming fainter, meaning there weren't many people left anyway.

"But I might be able to convince them not to if you, if you just give it to them."

"What, give them the map?" The shorter of the two men laughed angrily and shook his head. "I don't think so!"

"Besides, it's already gone, they already left with it. So ha! Take that bitch,"

The woman glared at the two men, silently telling them to shut up.  _ Ok, she's obviously the one in charge. _

You stared up at her in surprise as she extended a hand to you, pulling you to your feet.

"Why would you even offer to help us? You could easily just use your wizard powers or some shit and kill us right now."

You nervously tore at the skin around your nails as they surrounded you, all of them somehow taller than you.

"I don't, I don't know. I just-"

The sound of a ship landing behind you shut you up. You whipped around to face it before looking back at your captors.  _ Or maybe they're my saviors? _

"Look, whatever your reason is, I don't  _ really _ care right now. But we have to leave."

The two men had already started speeding towards the ship, heading up the entrance ramp.

"What? Leave with you guys?"

She nodded at you, her eyes staring intensely into yours.

"Leave The First Order behind,  _ join us." _

Before you had the chance to respond, you looked over her shoulder, seeing Kylo race towards you, his lightsaber ignited. 

The woman quickly turned around before running past you, turning around to beckon at you to follow her.

Again you felt frozen, but you turned to follow her. You limped as you went, but the pain in your heart was  _ so _ much worse.

"Slona!" 

Kylo's voice cut through the air, piercing you.

You stood at the edge of the entrance ramp, watching him head towards you, noticing that he had taken off his helmet. Biting your lip, you extended a hand, focusing on stopping him, pinning his feet to the ground.

Kylo stopped mid stride, his lightsaber held at his side, his body shaking with anger.

You slowly backed up the ramp, making your way into the ship. Kylo's face was furious, his mouth contorted into a snarl, his lips trembling. 

You felt crushed as you looked into his eyes, seeing the desperation in them, a single word visible:  _ stay. _

With the last bit of your strength, while still holding him in place, you tried to connect your minds, trying to show him your emotions.

As the door to the ship closed, Kylo's body slowly disappeared from view. Tears slipping down your face, you tried to maintain the bridge between your minds, one thing echoing over and over again:

_ I'm sorry _


	25. Traitor to All

You sank to the floor, choking back sobs as the Resistance shuttle took off, the image of Kylo's face permanently making a home in your mind. No matter what happened after this, you knew that his pain, his hurt after this day would never leave you.

"Alright quit crying,"

The same woman who convinced you to join the Resistance was now directing someone to put handcuffs on you.  _ Typical. _

"Is this really necessary?"

You glared up at the same man who called you a bitch, now tightly binding your wrists. You could sense that the feelings you had toward him were mutual.

"Hmm, is it necessary to restrain a scummy traitor? You know what," the man's tone was dripping with sarcasm as he sneered at you. "I think it is."

He kicked your foot as he walked away, heading towards the front of the ship.

"Still not a traitor if I wasn't with you guys in the first place," you called after him, greatly annoyed by your mistreatment.

Though you weren't entirely sure what you had been expecting. For the past several months, you had served the First Order, did their bidding, helped them with their attacks on the Resistance. Not only that, but you quite obviously had a, well,  _ close _ relationship with  _ the _ Kylo Ren, the murderous wizard guy.

You looked up as the tall woman from early walked towards you. You studied her as she bent to your level, taking in her appearance. Her eyes were dark brown, lacking the warmth that Kylo's often had.  _ Damn it, stop thinking about him, you're just gonna cry again. _

"So, little miss traitor," she smirked at you as you attempted to melt her with your eyes. "How do we know we can trust you?"

You kept quiet for a second more, continuing to study her, noticing that her hair was as dark as her eyes, pinned to her head similarly to yours.

Sighing, you met her eyes again.

"For a while now," you wiped your face free of tears with your sleeve, sniffling slightly. "I've been conflicted, no longer wanting to serve the First Order but not knowing how." You stared up at her, trying to show that you were being genuine.

"But why didn't you even try to leave earlier? We know what powers you have and what you're capable of, so what held you back?"

You chewed your lip, tears threatening to spill from your eyes again as thoughts of Kylo flashed in your mind, memories of him clouding your vision.

"That doesn't matter now," you squeezed your eyes shut and wiped your face again. "I've left him-I mean it, I left  _ it _ behind."

The woman watched you curiously, obviously catching your slip up, but said nothing.

"Well, you're stuck with us now," She stood to her full height and straightened out her clothes. "I doubt the First Order will want you back after what you did." 

You nodded, trying to fight the slight feeling of sadness that crept through you.

"My names Tala, by the way." She smiled at you slightly, looking at you expectantly.

"Oh um," your mind began racing, wondering if you should tell her your given name. 

With a shaky breath, you smiled up at her and told her your name,  _ your real name _ , the one given to you by your parents.

Tala nodded at you before heading back to the front of the ship, leaving you alone in the back.

__________________________

"Ok, let's go little miss traitor,"

The shorter man from earlier took hold of your arm and helped you to your feet before leading you off the ship.

"You don't need to keep calling me that," you grumbled at him, annoyed by his tight grip on your arm.

"Nah, I think it has a nice ring to it." 

He smirked at you, making you consider using the Force to shove him to the ground.

"Ok, well what do I call you then?"

He stayed silent for a second before looking back at you, his expression softened slightly.

"Commander Dameron," he faced straight ahead again as you both continued walking.

"And where are we going?" You looked around you nervously, hating the nasty looks people were giving you.

"To see the General," he looked over at you and laughed at your nervous expression. "As much as I hate to admit it,  _ traitor _ , you don't really have a lot to worry about."

You looked at him, expecting him to say more, but he said nothing, a smug grin sneaking to his face. 

As you continued to walk in silence, your thoughts drifted to Kylo again. You began to wonder what he was doing at the moment, if he was out looking for you, if even  _ cared _ about where you were. 

_ Close your mind, close your mind, close your mind: he can't know where you are. _

Your thoughts seemed to become more difficult to push away as you approached the General's tent, the image of Kylo becoming more vivid in your mind.

As Dameron pushed you into the tent, all of your other thoughts subsided, a familiar feeling taking over as you looked at the General.

You watched her as she turned to face you, feeling your mouth drop open in awe, that calm, peaceful feeling you felt in your sleep taking over you.

"Thank you. Poe, leave us."

He smiled at her fondly before nodding and leaving the tent.

You stood in front of General Organa, your hands still held in their restraints, just watching her, trying to absorb the wonderful feeling that wafted off of her.

"Sit down child,"

A sad smile took over her face, her bright eyes looking at you with pity.

"I have a feeling we have lots to talk about."


	26. His True Identity

After getting someone to treat the wound on your hip, General Organa took a seat across from you, watching you intently. You squirmed in your seat under her stare, feeling like she was sensing every one of your thoughts.

She sat in silence, staring at you for several minutes so you took the opportunity to try and make her uncomfortable by staring at  _ her. _

Actually being in her presence was so much different from you seeing her in your dreams. The longer you sat across from her, the calmer you became, soaking in the peacefulness that seemed to ooze off of her.

One of the things that fascinated you most was how elegant, yet practical her hair was braided. Just as you opened your mouth to ask her how she did it, the General started speaking.

"You've been through a lot child, haven't you?"

You broke eye contact for a moment before looking back and nodding, knowing that she was going to at least  _ try _ and get you to tell her everything.

"Up until you joined the First Order, there were no records of you,"

Her eyes seemed to see straight into your soul, and you noticed that they looked familiar, like you'd seen those eyes in someone else.

"So tell me, how did you end up training with Kylo Ren?" She said the name carefully, her expression making it look like it left a bitter taste on her tongue.

You blinked hard, restraining the tears that threatened to fall,  _ yet again.  _ With a shaky breath, you began to tell her about how the First Order found you, about what Snoke made you do, and about your training with the Commander.

You avoided telling her about the intimate relationship you had with Kylo, thinking that she wouldn't notice how you choked up slightly when you mentioned him.

General Organa nodded along to everything that you said, showing that she was listening. You felt at ease talking to her, despite how difficult it was, never seeing a look of judgement or scorn cross her face.

Trusting her, you told the General about the dreams you began to have about the Resistance and the conflicting feelings you felt. She smiled sadly at you as you told her about the strong desire you had to stay, but again avoided telling her  _ why. _

You finished by telling her about Tala's offer to leave the old base with them and join the Resistance, bringing your fingers up to your lips once you stopped talking.

General Organa looked at you in silence, making a nervous energy begin to rise inside of you as you began to chew the skin around the nail on your pinky finger.  _ I guess old habits die hard. _

She took a deep breath before speaking to you again, choosing her words carefully.

"And, what about your relationship with the Commander?"

You sighed and rubbed your eyes furiously, angry with yourself for wanting to cry  _ again _ .

"It was complicated," you said lamely, wanting desperately to keep everything to yourself.

"How was it complicated?" The General probed, looking at you knowingly.

"Well, I guess you could say we were more than just a teacher-student relationship." You blushed slightly as you met her eyes, not wanting to share the more explicit details.

She raised an eyebrow, silently telling you to elaborate. You sat quietly for a second before pulling your finger from your mouth and wiping the blood on your robes.

"I, I saw a different side of him," she leaned forward, eyes widened, prompting you further. "When I was with him, I could see parts of his past. That is, until he'd push me away."

You noticed tears sneaking into the General's eyes, but you didn't question it and kept going.

"He could be cruel and heartless, but he had a soft side. There were times, I-" a tear slipped from your eye, "I could sense that maybe, maybe he  _ loved _ me."

You looked back up at the General, wiping your eyes. You were shocked to see tears flowing freely down her face as well.

She got up slowly and went to the back of her tent, her back to you.

Still facing away from you, she seemed to speak to the wall.

"Did you ever," her voice shook slightly and she cleared her throat, regaining her strong composure. "Did you ever sense  _ good _ in him, could you sense the light?"

You smiled ever so slightly, looking at your hands in your lap.

"Yes," you whispered, getting up from your seat. "But he pushed me away when I found it."

The General turned back to face you, her face wiped free of tears. She returned your soft smile and walked towards you, taking your now unrestrained hands in hers.

You looked at her curiously, wondering why she was asking about Kylo, wondering what emotional ties she might have to him.

"Why have you asked me all this?"

She looked down and then back up at you, her eyes staring into yours.

"He's my son,"

All at once, you felt as if you could freely see his past, all of the muddy images you saw in him sometimes became fully revealed to you. As you held her gaze, it felt like images of Kylo were flooding you: his face when he was young, his carefree laughter, the  _ love  _ he had for people.

And when she stepped closer and gripped your hands tighter, a single name was revealed.

_ "Ben Solo." _

She nodded at you with a soft smile, her eyes glistening.

"I've sensed a change in him, a small,  _ tiny _ change in him over the past few months," her eyes were filled with hope. "And I think it's because of you."

You quickly broke eye contact and pulled away from her, turning your back and facing the mouth of the tent.

"I can't bring him back," you gripped your arms tightly across your chest, your heart rate accelerated. You turned back to face her, panic beginning to engulf you. "General, I- I  _ can't _ ."

Her smile slowly faded and she looked at you sadly.

The two of you stood in silence for a second, listening to the soft sounds of the people in the camp around you.

Taking a deep breath, she walked towards you and held your hands again.

"I would never pressure you to do that," you looked down at her, your panic slowly beginning to fade.

"But  _ something _ about you has changed him."

She smiled at you and pulled away, her back to you again as she reached for her com link.

"Commander Dameron, please report to my tent."

She turned back to you again, her expression difficult to read.

"I know everything you've been through has been difficult," you glanced behind you to see Dameron waiting in the mouth of the tent. "But we desperately need your help. Any inside information you could give us is necessary."

You nodded and smiled slightly at her, noticing Dameron looking back and forth between the two of you curiously.

"Commander, please show her to an empty tent and provide her with the essentials." As he opened his mouth to question her, she interrupted him. "Yes, give her a weapon too."

He shut his mouth and looked at you nervously, obviously still not trusting you.

"Dameron will see to it that you are present for the next meeting."

She smiled at you one last time before the Commander led you from the tent.


	27. Thoughts of Him

You lay stiffly on the floor of your tent, looking up through the wide hole in its ceiling, watching the twinkling stars.

You had just spent  _ hours _ in a meeting with the most important members of the Resistance, telling them everything that you knew. You explained how the First Order was also searching for Luke Skywalker and their intention to destroy him and all of the Resistance.

After you told them everything, General Organa thanked you for your help and sent you from the meeting, obviously not wanting you to be part of the planning process.

You had trudged unhappily towards the worn down tent Commander Dameron had set up for you, avoiding the stares that followed you.

You stretched out as far as you could in the cramped tent, lying on a thin mat. You continued staring up at the stars, wishing you could just fall asleep, but you knew you'd be unable to avoid processing your thoughts.

Telling General Organa and the others about the First Order's plans felt like a weight being lifted off your chest, like all of the terrible things you experienced were worth it to be able to help the Resistance.

But something was still weighing on you, guilt was filling you to the brim, making you regret your decision to betray the First Order.

You squeezed your eyes shut, trying to force the feeling to go away, but it looked over you, almost like the feeling was a  _ person _ .

" _ Slona _ ,"

Your eyes popped open at the sound of Kylo's voice and you sat up, staring wildly around the tent, but no one was there.

Calming your breath, you laid back down and closed your eyes again, convincing yourself that you just imagined him.

" _ You've betrayed me." _

Your body froze.

"Kylo?"

You opened your eyes again and his face slowly came into view, his body looking solid in front of you, like he was  _ right there. _

" _ Show me where you are," _

You stared at him in shock, reaching out your hand to touch him, but your hand just passed through, his body like a hologram in front of you.

"I know who you really are now,"

He stared past you, desperately trying to figure out where you were.

_ "You're with the Resistance, but where?" _

"You're Ben Solo,"

He finally met your gaze, his eyes burning into you.

_ "Ben Solo is dead,"  _ he spat, fury filling his expression.

"No," you crawled closer to the image of him, wishing you could touch him. "All those times I've sensed something in you, something you couldn't let go of," you smiled at him slightly. "That was the  _ light inside of you." _

He snarled and turned his back to you.

_ "I told you, I left the past behind,"  _ you noticed his body shaking, his back moving with his heavy breath. He whipped around to face you suddenly, eyes burning.  _ "And if I remember correctly, I told you to do the same." _

He paced back and forth across your tent, still not knowing where you were.

"Ben, I-"

_ "Don't you  _ dare _ call me that,"  _ his bellowing voice filled your ears _. "Don't you fucking  _ dare _." _

You looked down, avoiding his stare, tears starting to form in your eyes.

_ "Everything you've done, everything you've promised to the First Order, to me, it was all a lie." _

You looked back up at him again, seeing the hurt in his eyes.

"Not everything was a lie," you whispered, your lips trembling. "The way I felt about you-"

All of a sudden, he disappeared, his seemingly real body vanishing from your tent.

You jumped to your feet, whipping your head around the entirety of the small tent looking for him.

Crumbling to your knees, sobs began to escape you, wracking your body. His disappearance felt like you leaving him all over again, except this time, you didn't have control over it.

You lay back down on the ground with your knees pulled up to your chest, just like you used to do back in your quarters on Starkiller Base.

Your heart ached at the memory, remembering how Kylo had crawled into bed to comfort you. You shut your eyes, grasping at the remembrance, trying to hold onto him.

Though he wasn't with you, you sensed his presence, like the smallest glimpse of his mind was available to you.

Focusing, you reached out, outside of the Resistance base, outside of your own mind, trying to see into his.

A faint image of Kylo in his quarters swam before your eyes. And you could see him, sitting on his bed, squeezing his face between his hands.

" _ Kylo," _

He jumped from the bed and spun in a circle, looking around the entirety of his quarters, looking for you.

Realizing you weren't there, he climbed into his bed, lying on top of the blankets, staring at the wall.

With your eyes still shut, you reached out to him again, trying to bridge your minds like you had done when you left him.

" _ Be with me," _

Kylo shut his eyes and sighed, relaxing his body. Without a word, you could  _ feel _ him reaching out to you, allowing your minds to connect.

You froze, still lying on the ground as a warmth came over you, like you could feel his body next to yours. Your body shuddered at the feeling, knowing that Kylo wasn't really there, but feeling him all the same.

You eventually relaxed, giving into the bizarre, comforting feeling, trying to give into the illusion that Kylo was with you.

As you fell asleep, Kylo maintained the connection between your minds, begrudgingly provided you comfort, though what he really wanted to do was  _ punish _ you.

Once he was sure you were asleep, he closed off the connection, leaving him alone and desperate in his quarters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next is the last one from Kylo's POV!


	28. His Weakness

Kylo lay alone in his bed after ending the Force connection with you, furiously fighting the urge to cry.

Since you left, Kylo struggled daily with pretty much  _ everything. _

Any time he was upset, he would attack the closest thing to him, that thing unfortunately was usually Hux. But hurting him wasn't enough for Kylo; it reminded him of how much you would have liked to see Hux uncomfortable.

Kylo would spend hours practicing combat with his knights, trying to release his anger. But it wasn't enough: pinning  _ anyone _ to a wall reminded him of you.

Kylo tried to fill the gap of your absence by fucking any available woman on Starkiller base. But it wasn't enough, leaving him even more miserable than he was before.

So, when he finally couldn't distract himself from you any longer, he'd finally break down, letting memories of you override his desire to forget you.

Kylo found himself inconspicuously reaching out to you, trying to sense your feelings and your location, which he was never able to figure out, as hard as he tried.

He found himself wandering into the old training room, images of you drifting in and out of his mind, seeing you in places you weren't.

He would pull the clothes you left behind out from under his bed and hold them to his face, trying to catch a glimpse of your scent, using them to wipe tears from his face and muffle his cries.

But you haunted him most when he tried to sleep, the space in the bed where you used to be remaining empty and cold.

Lying on his back, he pressed his palms into his eyes, appreciating the pressure, helping him to avoid crying.

He had thought that the Force connection would be able to help him, that if he saw that you had moved on  _ he'd _ be able to as well.

But seeing you, feeling your presence, just deepened the feeling of loss that overwhelmed him.

And when you said that name, that  _ disgusting  _ name he had rid himself of, it felt like just another dagger being dug into him, another permanent scar you had left him with.

Kylo continuously sought out Leader Snoke, hoping for guidance, for an easy way to forget you and move on. _But_ _no_. What he received only made his inner turmoil far worse.

The first, and only, suggestion Snoke made was to kill you, to permanently remove you from the galaxy, from his life, so that you'd no longer taunt him.

Of course, Snoke had suggested this earlier,  _ before _ you had even left, back when he was suspicious of your intentions. Snoke had decided that it may not be worth it to train you, that you were becoming more of a hindrance than a help to the First Order.

And most of all, Snoke  _ knew _ that you were becoming a distraction for Kylo, that you were becoming his  _ weakness. _

Kylo knew what he had to do, but he  _ couldn't.  _ He couldn't bring himself to believe that strengthening his power was worth killing you.

_ I can't lose you. _

In many ways, you were already gone. You had abandoned him and the First Order, choosing to throw your support behind the Resistance, choosing to help the one thing Kylo sought to destroy.

But more than anything, more than Kylo  _ ever _ wanted something in his entire life, he wanted you back.

The question was  _ how _ .

Kylo thought he might be able to convince you to come back, to sell out the Resistance and rejoin the First Order. But after his Force connection with you, he knew this was impossible.

He could see how you felt when you were with them, especially when you were with Leia. How you felt like you belonged, like you were doing something meaningful.

Kylo constantly had to bite back the bitter taste in his mouth when he reached out and saw you with her, _his_ _mother_ , treating you like she no longer treated him.

Though he had felt the pull from his mother, that same pull he felt from you, he forced it away, refusing to accept that call to the light.

It had been so long since he had felt it that when he noticed it the first time, it almost wrecked him, blind sighted him.

And it was  _ your _ fault.

You were the one that kept pulling him away from his destiny, the one showed to him by Snoke, the one that would allow him to rule, to strengthen his power and use it over others.

You threatened that, your very existence could pull that away from him, forcing him to become weak, to become  _ Ben Solo _ again.

No, he wouldn't allow it, he wouldn't let everything he had worked for be taken away from him by some stupid farm girl.  _ You had to be eliminated. _

But as this resolve came over him, images of you again swam in his mind.

He could see your smile, the way your face would light up when you looked at him, the way your eyes would look into his.

He could hear your laugh, the soft, beautiful sound he rarely heard, the way you moaned his name in passion, hearing his name from your lips like music to his ears.

He could feel your touch, the way your body felt against his, the passion he felt with you, the way you made him  _ feel. _

So there he sat, sitting straight up in bed, his body shaking, trembling, sweating. He could see you in your sleep, your sweet little face nestled into your pillow on the ground, your chest rising and falling softly.

A tear made its way down his check, making him break away from your mind to wipe it from his face.

There was no way for him to have  _ strength _ with you in existence, but how could he possibly  _ live _ without you?


	29. What Must Be Done

As usual, you woke the next morning to a sick feeling in your stomach, your inner turmoil setting in to remain with you throughout the day.

But this unsettling feeling felt stronger than normal, beginning to fill you with fear. Yet again, you knew  _ something _ was about to happen.

Sighing, you pulled yourself off the ground, yanked on some clothes, and headed out the tent, deciding to look for General Organa and what she needed from you next.

Just as you were about to open the door to the meeting room, an overwhelming pain shot through you, starting at your head and spiraling down to your toes. You fell to your knees, clutching your head, trying to suppress the ache that only continued to worsen.

"Hey, what happened, why-" Poe Dameron's voice slowly faded away, his body kneeling next to you slowly fading from view.

With a cry, everything suddenly went silent, leaving you feeling like your head was splitting open.

You could see Kylo clearly, even more solid than he had been the night before, his eyes boring into you.

" _ So that's where you are," _

Overwhelming fear began to set in as he seemed to walk closer, realizing that he could see where you were. That he now knew where the Resistance was.

_ "I'm coming for you, little one." _

Just as suddenly as the pain came, it disappeared, leaving you shaking and sobbing on the ground.

"What? What the- what in the galaxy is going on?"

Poe took hold of your shoulders, forcing you to look at him. His brown eyes looked at you questioningly, his dark hair sticking up at odd angles.

"The Commander," you panted as you looked at him, tears clouding your vision. "Kylo, he knows where we are."

"Oh shit, oh  _ shit _ , we have to tell the General."

He quickly took hold of your hand and yanked you to your feet, leading you to the meeting room as fast as possible.

Your head ached as you hurried along, but the fear of what would happened next was far more prominent.

"General,"

The two of you burst into the room, making the Resistance leaders look up in surprise. General Organa was standing in front of you two within seconds, a look of concern crossing her face, like she already knew what you were about to say.

"Kylo Ren, he knows where we are, he knows where this base is."

The General looked back and forth between the two of you, hoping for more information.

"Do we have any idea of when the First Order will get here? How much time do we have to leave? We're not prepared for a fight,"

She stared desperately at you, hoping for more answers.

You squeezed your eyes shut, trying to connect with Kylo, trying to see into the First Order.

"I'm not sure, but I know that they could make it into this system within the hour," you glanced around the room, seeing all of the anxious faces.

"Our forces are still weakened from our last encounter with them; our best bet would be to leave this base as soon as possible."

You nodded at her agreeing, but Poe pushed you aside.

"I mean no disrespect General, but I believe our fighters could have a shot, we still have enough pilots and 

X-Wings to-"

"Poe," General Organa lifted a hand to silence him, cutting him off.

"Not this time."

He bowed his head and backed away, a pink tint of embarrassment crossing his face.

"Inform the whole base, we need to take as much stuff as possible and board our shuttles to head to the nearest allied system."

She turned to you to give a slight smile, but the blood drained from her face at the sound of screams from outside. It felt as if a dark cloud had just covered up the sun, darkening the atmosphere, intensifying everyone's fear. Blasters could be heard shooting in every direction, marching Storm Troopers stalked past the windows, throwing people to the ground as they tried to escape.

"Get everyone out of here now!"

People began racing out of the room, stumbling over each other, picking up whatever tools and equipment they could find as they went.

"Prepare to board a transport, child." She shoved you in the direction of one of the doors, pointing at one of the transports that people were already streaming onto.

"General," you turned around to face her, resolve settling into you. "I can hold him off, Kylo, I can ensure that everyone leaves safely."

Her brows furrowed and she shook her head at you, walking forward to take your hands in hers.

"You can't face him alone,"

You smiled sadly at her before softly kissing her hand and pulling away.

"I know what I need to do,"

With her lips set into a thin line, she nodded at you, motioning for you to leave.

"May the Force be with you, child,  _ always _ ."

You looked back at her one last time as you headed out towards the 'troopers.

"Leia, thank you for everything."

With one last smile, you raced out of the meeting room, making your way through base and heading towards the First Order shuttle.

A sense of calm came over you as you ignited your lightsaber, defending yourself from the 'troopers you ran past. You knew what you needed to do, what needed to happen next.

As you ran, you felt at peace, knowing that this is what you've been waiting for your whole life, this was your purpose, what you were born to do. 

You didn't know it until now,  _ funny how that works. _

You had spent your whole life feeling alone, like no one understood you. You sought out guidance, answers,  _ affection _ from anyone who would give those things to you.

You desperately wanted to figure out your calling, but you couldn't figure out what your destiny was supposed to be, what you were supposed to do with your life.

But as you made your way through the Resistance camp alone, cutting down First Order troops as you went, you were sure that this was it, this was your calling.  _ This was what you've waited your whole life to do. _

You stopped dead in your tracks when you saw Kylo descending the ramp of his shuttle, his lightsaber already ignited as he headed towards you.

With shaky steps, you slowly walked towards him, knowing with certainty what had to be done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next is the last chapter :)


	30. A Desire Fulfilled

You hesitantly walked towards Kylo, holding your lightsaber limply at your side. He ripped his mask off his head as you approached, holding his saber defensively in front of him.

You held your breath as you got closer to him, more afraid of the look in his eyes than the crackling weapon in between you two.

"Kylo,"

You both stopped.

"You don't deserve to call me that anymore," his deep voice was filled with either sadness or anger, but you weren't sure which one yet.

You circled each other slowly, neither one of you wanting to start this fight. 

You tried to ignore what you needed to do, getting lost in his eyes, watching the way his body moved, seeing how his hair rippled in the wind. You remembered how his body felt against yours, how your bodies moved as one, how he would look at you like you were the only woman in the universe.

Taking a deep breath, you stepped closer and whispered to him.

" _ Ben," _

He snarled and swung his lightsaber at you, barely giving you enough time to ignite your own and defend yourself.

"I  _ never _ want to hear that name again,"

You pushed forward with your saber, forcing him to stumble away from you.

"But it's who you are," your voice cracked as you screamed at him, holding your weapon in front of you warily. "This conflict in you, it will only grow."

A piercing yell escaped him as he swung at you again, striking you repeatedly, leaving you to half heartedly block his attacks.

A mixture of pain but also calm was swirling inside you, the clashing feelings trying to distract you from the task at hand.

Looking behind you quickly, you flipped backwards and landed on a broken down shuttle, making it so that you were looking down at Kylo.  _ At least I have the high ground. _

"Come down and fight!" He paced back in forth on the ground in front of you, even though he could easily join you on top of the ship.

"I've seen your future, I know how your story ends."

He glanced up at you, shaking his head and laughing joylessly as he continued pacing.

"And I've seen  _ your _ ending," he finally stopped pacing and faced you. "You won't win this fight, you can't beat me."

You smiled sadly at him again, knowing that his anger was just a front.

"Beating you was never part of the plan," you climbed down onto one of the wings of the ship, stopping just a little bit a way from him, still higher up. "Because I know now what has to be done."

He simply stared at you, obviously not understanding a word of what you were saying.

"I've searched my whole life for my purpose, never quite sure of what it was," you hopped off the wing and stood on the ground a few feet away from him. "And I never thought that my destiny would be saving someone else."

" _ Save _ me?" He scoffed at you, sneering. "You think you can bring me back?  _ Save my soul?" _

You took a step closer, your un-ignited lightsaber held at your side.

"I don't know when or how, but you  _ will _ come back to the light. You  _ will _ leave behind Kylo Ren and become Ben Solo once again."

You stood directly in front of him, no longer afraid.

"And it will be because of me."

Finally overwhelmed with anger, he lunged at you with all of his strength, his powerful weapon piercing your sternum.

It felt like time stopped and all was silent as you slowly sank to your knees. It wasn't until he ripped the saber out of you that you realized what had happened and the pain set in.

For whatever reason, you knew this had to happen, that this was part of his story.

He thought that killing you would take away his pain, make it possible for him to move on and fully submit to the dark side.

But you knew that this moment would stick with him forever. You knew that your life, your being, the relationship you had with him, was all part of the path back to the light, the path that led him  _ home _ .

" _ No _ ,"

He dropped his saber at his side and collapsed to his knees as you slowly fell onto your side. With a grunt, he pulled you onto his lap, cradling you against him.

For the first time, your name, your _real_ _name_ escaped his lips, his voice making it sound like the most beautiful thing in the world.

He held you in his arms tightly, placing his hand over the blood seeping from your wound. You could see the confusion mixed with anger filling him as he looked down at you, tears forming in the corners of his eyes.

Your arms feeling numb, you placed your hand on his chest, feeling his heart beating beneath your fingers. 

"There," you gasped for breath, your heart working furiously to keep you alive. "There will be someone else, someone who will finish what I started,"

Tears continued to slip down his face. Opening his mouth to say something, he stopped, knowing that each word you said took great effort.

"She will bring you back,  _ she will bring you home."  _

He shook his head at you, holding you impossibly tight to his chest. 

"I can't lose you, I can't-" he choked on his words and looked down, breaking eye contact. "I can't handle this  _ darkness _ on my own." 

With shuddering breaths, you lifted your hand to his face, making him look at you in surprise. 

"I need you to know," his eyes desperately held on to your gaze, sensing you slowly start to fade away. " _ I love you."  _

Without a word, he placed one of his hands behind your head and leaned over to kiss you, his lips telling you everything his mind wouldn't let him say. 

Pulling away, you held onto consciousness, trying to make sure you had the chance to tell him all that he needed to know. 

But with each passing moment, your eyes became dimmer, your skin became colder, and your heart beat slower. 

You suddenly became afraid of leaving the galaxy, afraid of the unknown that was waiting for you,  _ afraid of leaving him behind.  _

"Please,  _ please _ , promise me you won't forget me. Even in your darkest moments, even when you give in to the dark side, remember me."

He cupped your face with his hand, tracing the shape of your lips with his thumb. You touched his face again, bringing his eyes back to yours.

_ "I will be with you."  _

Choking on tears, he responded.

" _ And I with you." _

Sobs finally began to escape his chest, making your body jolt against his hiccuping chest. 

With the last of your strength, you shifted in his lap to hold his face in both of your hands. 

And then your body slowly began to relax in his arms, becoming heavy and sinking into the ground. 

As your eyes began to flutter shut, as your breathing began to stop, you stared into the eyes of Kylo Ren, who you knew now to be Ben Solo. The only man you ever fallen in love with, the only one who saw you as you really were. 

And with shuddering breaths, you looked into his eyes for the last time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To my readers:   
> Thank you all so much for reading and supporting this story! I know this isn't the ending that many of you wanted, but from the beginning, this is how I pictured the end of the story.  
> I see y/n in this story as the spark for Kylo's change back to Ben Solo. Since this whole story takes place before The Force Awakens, Kylo doesn't know about Rey yet. But the idea is that y/n in this story paved the way for Rey, making it possible for her to "turn" Kylo.   
> I hope you guys don't hate me for this ending, lol. I truly appreciate all of your support, your comments, and for viewing my Tiktoks!  
> I already have another Kylo x reader story planned but it's going to be veryyy different from this story, like with lots more smut than this fic did. So stay tuned if interested.   
> Again, I love you guys so much and thank you for everything!  
> PS: This story and the others I'm working on are on wattpad as well (Same username)!


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